Again too much has happened to write a proper blog but perhaps I can give you some highlights of this birthday weekend :D

• Keith made what is possibly the greatest cake ever to be made. Ever. [Look above!] Made with 2 Kg butter, 1 Kg Sugar, 5 whole bottles of food colouring and 2 big packs of smarties. Mr Keith "I take a tray of pro plus at once" was shaking after half a slice. I didnt sleep till 7am....


Playing slaps with Keith at 3am, Keith moving has hand and me punching the wall. Keith subsequently threw a cushion at my head which I failed to notice and hit my head against the wall. Hardcore!


Exploring the halls at 4am and finding radnomers having showers. At that time? Why!


Going to play pool at 5am in the Junior Common Room becuase we had nothing else to do and werent going to sleep after that cake! Jim the porter came and asked us what we were doing "Hmmmm. Watching the Ashes!" He seemed to think that people might actually get up at that time to watch boring cricket!


Keith taking Becky's phone when she was asleep, changing the language to Slovakian, setting a yearly alarm for the next day entitled "Ho!" and taking various photos of his knees made to look like his derrier. When Becky found these pictures in the morning she came to me to express her trauma to which I replied "Yeah I was there when he took them..."


Going to Northern Soul - the best chippie in Sheffield at 1am because we felt like chips.


Scott programming into my LED display dogtag "Call me 4 sex [Keiths mobile number]" and then handing it to Keith. Keith was more than happy to wear this and yelled at various taxis as they drove past "CAAAAAAALL MEEEEE!" whilst holding up the tag. No calls yet...


Going to the grindstone to play pool and Keith finding a way to make the pool table with the whole ball rack lifted out of it to work. When balls were potted they just were shot at your feet! It did mean as many games as you like though...


Mike getting drunk for the first time and telling us how much he loved us all and then requesting whether anyone had a monacle. Actually I did!

Listening to Kat after she had drunk a lot of wine and became amazingly articulate and thoughtful! The newfound oracle managed to keep me spellbound for over half an hour just on the merits of her necklace. How amazing! She felt rather ill later...
Mike falling asleep in various painful looking positions and being stepped over in the night by people that actuakky needed the corridor for travelling purposes.
Being given a massive bag of goodies by Megan and Lizzie with amazing things inside including cardboard crowns, irn bru, vimto bars, boot slippers, 3 packs of chesty cough medcine (it was on offer!) and modelling clay!! We then proceeded to make a fortress complete with snail!

Fun was had by all :)

As well as this I have just checked my facebook group "Jenny L froze my soul with her eyes". This is a group on facebook (Think MySpace but with everybody you know obsessively checking it twice a day!) that I created about one of our canteen workers. Her name is Jenny L and she is so darn scary! She must only be 5"0 tall but she is constantly in a stormy mood and is genuinely intimidating! I made a group about how scary she was and sent a few links to my friends. Now there are 63 members and randomers are emailing me about it! One guy even went as far as to take a really good photo of her (something which I have so far failed to do - she is too scary to get close to) and stick it on there!

Wowzer.

Well that'll be all for today, must get around to doing this songwriting presentation...

Oh.

My.

Word.

On a scale of 1 to 10 Muse were about 20 million!!!!!!!!
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome!!!

We got to the arena and queued outside in what has to be the coldest night yet this year, I was completely frozen. We even huddled like penguins! Of course it would have helped if i was wearing more than a tank and my £2 primark hoodie.... but I digress!

We sat down and watched the support act "The Noisettes" who were rather damn good really. The lead singer was mental! She screamed and yelped her way through the catchy songs and just generally threw herself sround the stage.

Applause.

Musical interlude (and a good one!) including Rage Against The Machines "Killing In the Name of" - rather amusing to hear 12,000 people yelling "Fuck you I wont do what you tell me" along to it actually.

The atmosphere was fab as the stadium was rammed - I have never seen it full before :) The whole arena was mexican waving and chanting and singing. So imagine then the roar as the first electro buzzes of "Take A Bow" came humming from the immense sound system! Wow. This was going to be totally amazing....

Here it is.... [view at my blog facebookers :D]



Note the drummer emerging from the big box of light veeeeery cool :)
And it just got better and better! As it got to Time is running out, Tina leapt up dragging Kat with her, after some persuading Becky followed and I heartily joined in. We sang our little hearts out and jumped along (with rock hands of course.



For me Stockholme Syndrome was their best song - being the heaviest of anything they have ever done bar Assassin (which they unfortunately did not play :( ) We all smashed our heads around accordingly, singing, rock handing and generally behaving like yoofs at a gig :D At the end of this song after some freestyling on the guitar, Matt lobbed his guitar down, chucked the speaker on top of it and surfed it till he fell off. What a badass!



And so after an extremely loud encore they came back on and played the old fans fave Bliss (complete with trademark giant Muse balloons :D) and then on to the last song - Knights of Cydonia. OMG!!! AMAZING!!! See below :0



And so we hyperly raced back to the car, bought a poster from an extremely shady dude with a big trenchcoat and proceeded to drive back to Tapton whilst crucifying Bohemian Rhapsody (complete with trumpet solo from me with my rolled up poster). I recorded all of this so if I find a way to put it up I shall.

http://shef.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2046131&l=c3fed&id=61110373 Tinas piccies

Woo and Yay Muse rock the Earth :D:D:D

I wrote this entry last night as it was too late to go on the netty but I felt obliged to write something. I guess was in a very pensieve mood to make working at McDonalds into a metaphor of personal growth! God I was a bit gushy wasnt I?

Well even if it is a load of poo it did come from the heart at the time - and how! It is about 2000 words long. My goodness I wrote more in an hour than I managed to write for my English project at AS. :s

Hehe. Well here it is anyways:


I recon today is actually the final day of my childhood.

It just makes so much sense...

Today I have severed the final tie that binds me to the life I have lived here in Doncaster for the past 18 years. I am talking of course about finishing my last shift at my job at McDonalds today. It was a strange shift actually with me having the unusual job of window 2 - the money taking window at which usually only newbies and spare parts are chosen to do the job. I guess that is kind of symbolic of the way of things there. We are all but little seedlings to begin with lost within the great expanse of the earth, thrown in at the deep end with not a clue of what to expect, what to do, what to take in, what to ignore, what to become. We are pointed in the direction of the surface by the more experienced people, but the journey itself is only one you can make on your own.

Every moment you are there you take in tiny details - exactly how many millimetres to move your hand to stab in £20.00 in one swift movement, adding or taking an extra word in to your set customer repertoire for maximum efficiency, trying out new ways in which chunks of information can be recalled in bigger and better ways, figuring out which rules are there to be kept and which are simply formalities. Every little bit of what you do you take in and use and so working there becomes the sum of your experience. We who have done this week in, week out can give the new seedlings pointers but there is so much to take in it is simply not possible to pass your knowledge on and so on my last shift I was assigned something simple to do. Perhaps to allow myself to feel like I have achieved something, to remember how far I have come from the meek and lost little soul I began as.

I don’t think I made a single mistake today - surely a record in itself. I even spotted that a £20 note was fake - something I have never faced before. The shift was strangely easy and quiet for me. Things just looked and felt different somehow. As I saw the tears welling in Kirstie’s eyes I began to wonder why that was. Was it that she was simply frustrated at the things going wrong on the job for her - after all we all get emotional on shift when there is so much pressure and one thing after another goes wrong. I wondered if perhaps she was upset on that level but also because she knew that this is what her life had become, and perhaps what it always would be. After all she is at uni but that so often does not help out the managers at McDonalds and they end up just keeping their jobs where they are. Maybe she was crying for the future, maybe for the present or maybe for the past that she looked back on so fondly. Maybe she just had a moment in which she could see where her life was going, straight down the line, on a train she cant get off if she leaves it much longer.

Maybe it was just something else. I guess I will never know.

What I do know is that the past few weeks have been the most bizarre and extreme of my life. Everybody and everything looks so different as to how it did just 2 months ago. My life is like a new life - like I am on the path to the life I have always wanted, becoming the person I always wanted to be. What does it do to a person when everything a person has ever known - their whole way of life suddenly ends after 16 years? Since the age of 2 at nursery it has all been about learning - understanding, preparation for something bigger - infant school, junior school, secondary school, sixth form, university. Everything is just a step to the next thing. Learn, test, succeed, repeat. It is the life I know and the life I am accustomed to and now that is just not there any more.

They say you don’t grow up till you leave home and I think they are right. How can you know who you are until you have no constraints and no responsibilities to hold back who and what you are? I think that is where I am now.

Its like fate has made the transition for me - as I came towards the end of my school life and had nothing to challenge me, to keep me ticking over from late June to late September, fate saw fit to deal me a helping hand in an ugly disguise. My mother fell ill and suddenly I had so many new challenges to face. For the first time I was the one in control. I truly had the responsibility of others and myself.

My Mum in her illness became dependent on me for the first time which at first I found very shocking and upsetting. Then as my Dad had to go away to work I had to assume responsibility for all the things I had never even had a taste of before. Firstly I was truly responsible for myself for the first time - of course I don’t answer specifically to anybody. My parents have always granted me generous amounts of choice and do not breathe down my neck at all. I do of course have to bear them in mind daily by coming in at a sensible time so as not to disturb them, keeping things in places where they wont get in the way for them, not doing things that would make them worry excessively about me. The moment my Dad left the drive in his car that was gone. I would look after myself and answer only to myself for the first time ever. A liberating thing indeed.

I assumed responsibility for my lovely cats Ollie and Oscar. Suddenly I couldn’t just pet them when I felt like it, I was in the thick of it cleaning up things that before I didn’t have to imagine, dealing with mangled animal corpses, getting up early so that to feed them and let them out and worst of all getting them inside at night, God that was a challenge! You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get a cat through a door if they didn’t want to come inside. I resorted several times to leaving trails of treats, sleeping in the living room with the patio door open and a sword in my hand just in case or simply grabbing them and taking a good clawing.

The housework was certainly an eye opener but a good one. I now love ironing - there is nothing quite as therapeutic as gently working out the creases in a piece of clothing and thus restoring it to perfection, especially when listening to your favourite songs with the bass on full, rattling your teeth and singing like a banshee!

I guess most importantly I was left in charge of Mum. Of course she can look after herself but I am sure that having me or anybody come and visit her when she was feeling truly terrible must have helped her out. I was now a commuter as well!

In all I actually enjoyed my new lifestyle being a full time housewife, mother to two mischievous little cats and taking care of my Mum. It was really very liberating. I love independence and that was it in its purest form.

I also discovered just how brilliant all of my friends are. They were all so supportive but also stepped back and left me loads of space for me to just do my own thing. Spending so much time with Keith was certainly an eye opener. I really got to know him so much better, like I used to and we are now really great friends again rather than the occasional recro buddies we were becoming.

Man I love all of my friends so much. In fact I just want to thank them all right now!
Tina - you and me can talk about anything in the world and you know that I would climb mountains for you matey! You and me really are two peas from the same pod even if we didn’t realise it before! Peace to you imzadi.

Keith - You are my rock. You always go out of your way to help me and everybody else out and you are so damned funny! You are my 3rd bro! Could anybody else really just end up living at my house for 5 days without us noticing?

Kat - You know me so well you often know me better than myself! You always see through the façade and can tell what I am thinking, which although can be scary you always say exactly what I need to hear. You tell it like it is when nobody else is brave enough but you are never cruel. You give me a metaphorical slap when I need to come down! Thanks for being so honest and so supportive.

Scott - I haven’t known you long, but in this short space I you have been really supportive and a great laugh. You aren’t just Kats boyfriend I consider you one of my close friends and really like spending time with you. Although you sometimes go into more detail than I would like in some areas (heehee), I love your honesty and generosity. Thanks :)

Mike - Don’t you just love the internet? Without it I doubt you and me would be good friends! I know you probably think that our conversations are a bit one directional but that is not true at all. All of the things that worry you worry me too, and by attempting to give you advise you confront my demons . You always listen to what I have to say even when I talk shit. Who else reads my blog regularly! I really value you as a friend as you are always there for me when I need to talk. In fact, by listening to my moans and by reading my blog you probably know a side to me that maybe nobody else does. Thank you :)

Becky - Although you missed a lot of what has happened to me recently, you still have provided me all the support you possibly could. You offer me support in a different way that other people often forget. When things get tough, you always need a sense of normality and some stability. Without this, how could we keep going? I remember when things got tough for you a couple of years back you told me that you just wished people would stop treating you differently and let you keep going and working through your pain and I really empathised with you. Thanks for doing the same for me J you are my oldest friend and so you know me in ways that other people cannot. Thanks for sticking with me all these years :D

I love you all guys so much!

I will stop this sentimentality as it seems like a letter of goodbye and it isn’t. I wont let it be.
To come full circle, I think today was the last day of my childhood as not only have I left my last responsibility outside of my family, my Mum should (fingers crossed) be out of hospital tomorrow to make the rest of her recovery at home and thus that concludes that challenge.
I feel like I have grown up now, that I have life experience. People have commented that I seem more confident, more independent. I feel I have more perspective. I guess it just shows in the little things. I know I certainly surprised a few people at work a couple of weeks ago when I started speaking my mind more and being assertive. I guess when your work is just a small part of your life you treat it as such.

I am ready now for life. Before I thought I could do it. Now I know I can. If I can just keep in this mindset I know that I can go far in my career and achieve everything I want to achieve.

Farewell childhood. You have been a beautiful adventure full of little joys.
Enter life, what shall be an epic journey mine for the shaping…

Lets do it. Lets live.

Blah blah blah.

What sort of person wants to write a blog after a stupid English exam that is completely stupid and lasts for 2 1/2 hours? I guess that would be me then *sigh*.

Do I even have much to say? Well nothing that exciting or at least that I can be bothered to write about...

You know what I wrote about for 2 1/2 hours today? Tattooing! How random! You always get silly subjects to write about on paper 5 - thats the exam where you get two books of info in advance, have a look at them for a week then in an exam you have to write something like a radio 4 documentary on one of the subjects or a website or something. Really the exam is a bit pointless, they can only examnie your ability to write in the correct tone as you basically write the same info as they have given you but for another audience.

They have had some real gems of subjects in the past including bridges, jewixh cooking, nuts and bolts and my personal favourite - the history of soap. I was quite dissapointed when in January I got Mars and the life of Betty somebody a soul singer - they are pretty normal compared to what you usually get! This time I got tattooing and King Arthur. Which else could i choose besides tattooing! Hehe.

In theory you should study both booklets in detail highlighting, indexing, that sort of thing. In true cramming style i just read through most of the tattooing one for an hour and made an index with context, audience, purpose and subject in it. I think that pissed Becky off as she as always had been hard at work doing everything thoroughly and we usuallt get about the same marks. Dont blame her I dont desrve the marks I get from the amount of effort i put in!

The exam did little apart from make me really want to get a tattoo. That is bad.

I don't know that i would ever get one really. I would love a small, discreet and tasteful one that wouldnt go all wrinkly in my old age and that was really unique and meant something special to me. Currently, however none of these criteria are met!

Good job. Having a tattoo can so easily look stupid or tacky.

Anyhoo. Developments, developments.....

Yeah I think my circle of friends has just double in about a week hehe. I went bowling with Scott and his friends with Kat and Becky - Scott being Kats new boyfriend. We both know him from Hungerhill and we met him again at Mike Rybaks party. The two of them certainly seemed to "get along" hehe. Anyways I now talk to Mike's brother James on MSN as a result and Mark Friend, and I think I will be seeing more of Nick and Mike E. All in all good stuff :) I think I needed to get out and meet new people just to prove to myself that I still could! They are all really nice people too, I can see me hanging out with them all regularly.

Anything else... yes. I have discovered the joys of eyeliner. Apologies for the girlyness of this but wow! I had never been good at putting makeup on. Whenever I eventually had a go there always seemed something missing.... eyeliner!

I never noticed it before but nearly all girls wear eyeliner everyday. So much so that you dont even notice but you should see the difference it makes! I am now tempted to wear it all of the time but i think i will refrain. Wearing makeup all the time makes you look dead ropey when you are ill or cant be bothered to put some on and then you lose the wow factor when you put it on. Ok. Girly bit over.

I have also ordered the most damn cool T Shirt ever devised by man!

Lookie!

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/search.do?productCode=MUSTEEVAR

I thought I would wear it to the gig. For those of you who cant be arsed to click on the link, or if decides to stop working, the t shirt has a graphic equiser in it - it has a luminescent display like the ones you get on stereos that goes up and down in time with the music. It is soooooooooo cool.

I actually cant wait for it to arrive! How mint is that going to be when i am drumming in front of loads of people? Sweeeeeet :)

Well thats about all for today i think. Bye for now :)

I am sooooooooo melloooooooow...

I have just been searching the net for info on how to hypnotise people after experimenting with Tina this afternoon. She printed some info off the net and had a go at hypnotising me. She certainly made me very relaxed but didnt really do it long enough for me to be hypnotised properly. She tried to get me to ask out Mr GSOH again! Hehe. Hopefully I will do that anyway...

Where was I? Oh yes. Well I was just on the net searching for other tips and instructions when I came across this quiz you could take to find out how susceptible to hypnosis you are. I took the quiz and got a 4 out of 5 which apparently requires high levels of creativity to be. (according to all the quizes taken on "Tickle" I am very creative which is a nice compliment :) ) Anyhoo, I saw a link saying "advanced test" and was intrigued. I clicked on it and discovered that it was a test involving listening to several audio tapes by some American celebrity hypnotist know only as "Wendi". I was a bit apprehensive at first but thought "What the hey" and did it anyway.

It was very..... interesting.

It was in four parts - the first she "put you under" then hypnotised you in to your right hand feeling tingly and warm. Although I didnt feel the warm I did feel the tingle that was a bit wierd...
The second part was to asses your visualisation skills. You had to imagine floating off to this lovely forrest and experiencing through all of the senses your "surroundings". I scored highest on this bit as I could feel the cold water of a creek on my toes and see the path that I was instructed to walk down. It was very relaxing and nice I enjoyed it.

The third part was quite revealing - it involved journeying through the "silky darkness" to a container that I had to visualise and look all the way around. I then had to look inside the box to find a special "object,person, feeling or idea" that would come from my subconscious to tell me something about my deep psyche. I pulled out a thick, gold kind of choker or necklace that I put on and found very heavy around my neck. I figured maybe it symbolises a worry or issue that is currently weighing me down and making things difficult. Perhaps I am reading too much into it but it would make sense as I have the worry of exams and the tension of Mr GSOH to contend with...

If I have done this right then my amusingly poor artists impression of "my box" should be below for you to have a ganza at.



In the final part I was hypnotised so that I couldnt open my eyes - something I initially found rather unimpressive despite the fact that it works as I have experienced that before when experimenting with hypnosis and meditation with Kat and Becky. But then this Wendi woman managed to hypnotise me into not being able to move my right arm and hand despite the fact I was moving my left hand and was staring in wonderment at my imobile right limb. Now that was interesting!

So after all that I am pretty chilled out right now after a quick juant into my subconscious and mind control!

I tried to post a message about how my new catch phrase seems to becoming "You can piss off" (at least mentally). Luckily that slightly mardy post was lost as the Blogger server had problems and refused to post it (how bout that for a sign hehe!).
Well I found myself thinking it again the other day as a particularly awkward customer came into McDonalds. She came in at 10.50am and tried to order a happy meal. I politely informed her that on a Sunday the main menu is not served until 11am. She said nothing and took a pew with her little girl and beau. She came back at 11.05 and ordered a fish finger happy meal. Unfortunately the kitchen had not got any fish ready yet and so I apologised and gave her a drink and tod her that I would bring it over as soon as it was ready. She tutted and returned to her economy sized family in one of those postures that said "bloody idiots all I want is a kids meal".

I was a little put off at this but sympathised with her that she was having a time getting something pretty simple. I kept checking with the kitchen how the fish was doing and assembled the happy meal as soon as it was ready and took it out to the woman. I said something along the lines of "I'm really sorry about your wait, thank you very much". Glancing dwon I saw her filling in one of those customer opinion surveys that nobody ever fills in. I figured she was wound a little tight and let it go.

It wasnt until the end of the day that I got out the card and took it to read in the office as I was being cashed up. She gave a score out of 6 for the service time - 1. A bit harsh but understandable from the customers point of view. She also gave a score out of six for "staff politeness and attitude" she gave me a 1! Hang on a minute! I was sickeningly nice to you and explained why there was a delay at every oint and then you talked to Lesley the lovey DA lady and you gave me and her a 1? Well piss off then! I made myself be nice to you even though you, frankly were being bloody natty with me!

She gave an explanation for her complaint on the customer comments section. She explained that she had come in at 10.50 and been "advised to wait until 11am for the main menu". So far so fair. Then she continued "returned at 11.05am and was told would have to wait another 5 minutes for fish" Well ok that is pretty frustrating but then "when told the food is served a 11am, all food should be ready for this time".

Now hang on a minute.

How exactly is it possible to continue making and serving breakfast until 10.59am and then have the entire main menu ready one minute later? If the entire main menu was to be made it would take more than 10 minutes at full capacity, by which time the first items made would have expired. Therefore we make the items in the order of their popularity, fish being the least popular. I doubt we sell 10 fish happy meals all day so the chances of somebody ordering one between 11 and 11-15am is rather slim. Needless to say she didnt hang around for me to explain this and promptly sodded off with her air head beau leaving nothing but an insulting analysis of my attmepts to please her bloody awkwardness.

Besides. I "informed her" that the breakfast menu started at 11 - something that was quite plain from the massive breakfast signs hanging above my head. Then when breakfast had ended she waited a further 5 minutes before coming to order therefore delaying her reciept of the food by 5 minutes. In effect she only had to wait 5 minutes, the rest was accounted for by her contrary nature and lack of suitable reading glasses.

Am I being the mardy one here? Maybe. But it does really annoy me when people who are coming to the biggest, silliest "restaurant" in the world come in with a face like a bashed crab. What are you doing wasting your apparently precious time by filling in petty scraps of card that nobody takes seriously? Why dont you just crack a smile and take life a bit less seriously? I mean some people think they suddenly own the company and throw a wobbly the first hiccup they meet. Yes, McDonalds aims to please their customers and provide a good service but at the end of the day, it is a company that simply provides a service that you can choose to have as it is or not at all. No amount of kicking and screaming is gonna mean a damn thing. McDonalds is probably the vest company in the world when it comes to efficiency. Every system there is is selected to be that way to please the most amount of people and work best the most time possible. There is no such thing as a flawless system so please, when you are entering a restaurant advertised as being run by a clown, dont throw a paddy and chuck 1s out of 6 at me when I am only trying to do the best I can with what there is. Life is too short love.

Ok. Rant over.

How about a joke...

hmmm

Ok how about this one straight from the oracle that seems to know everything - Wikipedia

A man walked into a pub and talked to his friend:

"I just had a divorce, lawyers are leeching bastards."

A man stood up.

"I object!"

The divorcee asked "What are you a lawyer?"

He replied... "No. I'm a leeching bastard....."

Four words:

Last
Week
Of
School

How bizzarre! Suddenly after 14 years the very thing that my (and everybody elses) life is centred around is gone. How odd... I dont think I am sad at all really. I guess I have finally outgrown school really. I do still have the desire to learn but am finding school a bit tedious really, things move too slow. We arent getting to do enough "wow this is amazing/mind bending" like I used to but more "Oh were doing party finance... again". Yeah I am looking forward to going to Uni now, I need some adventure - to get a bit of variation you know?

Its this that may prove to provide some friction between me Kat and Becky over the holiday we have been talking about for ages. It all began when me and Kat were having one of our deep conversations and we realised that what we both really wanted - and needed was an adventure. Something that really makes you feel like you are experiencing life. We wanted to get lost and have to sleep in a bus shelter or realise you have one pair of pants for 2 weeks holiday because you forgot to pack more... we just wanted to live a little, get some life experience and have a damn good laugh!

This started well as we began looking for destinations. We took the whole world as a potential destination and narrowed it down to a few, someting like Japan, Iceland, Germany, USA and The Czech Republic. We decided that we should ask Becky to come with us too 3 = more fun! It initially took some persuading to get Becky to like any of our choices but eventually she decided that she rather liked Iceland. Me and Kat had already decided that this was our first choice so we were pretty pleased.

We are however, now having difficulty in finding a good packadge deal to iceland. This has led Kat to be persuaded towards Becky's preference of going somewhere more usual more cheaply. Now I know that we would have a laugh even if we went to one of the shite Spanish resorts that are basically England 2 made for boring English people that want England woth more heat. I want some culture! I know that we could visit markets and stuff but I want culture in terms of culture shock! I want to go "woah really!" I know that we wouldnt spend all the time at the beach because there would be other things to do but the pool and the beach would play a large part in the holiday. There is nothing wrong with that but I prefer to go on holiday to explore rather than relax.

I know that it would be cheaper and that we would still have a laugh and enjoy ourselves but it could be so much more. Where is the adventure in going to some generic Mediteranean resort? Come on guys lets live a little!

I really hope I can persuade them to come around to my idea. I wont regret going on a holidya anywhere with them, but I will regret not going on holiday somewhere more unusual and exotic. Yes we do need money to go to Uni but we wont have a proper hoilday for 4 years at least. We wont be able to afford one when we are there. On top of that this is the height of our young lives. The time in whicch we have all the rights but no responsibilities. I doubt there will ever be a time when we all do not have jobs or partners that we can just drop on a whim and fly off to some other place for however long we like.

They are being sensible and logical yes, but now is the time to be impulsive and carefree. Come on guys lets do this! Lets have an adventure!

Speaking of which. I have decided that I do really like Mr GSOH but havent yet got the courage up to ask him out. If either he or BG are at work then I will either ask him or chicken out and get his number off BG hehe. I would really like to go out with somebody right now. It would be nice to have somebody to share stuff with.

*Dreamy sigh*

Well. I think thats all for now.

I just read how many posts are on this blog and guess how many before this one...

41!

41 times I have written down my thoughts that will be kept hopefully) in cyber space for many many years to come. All since october!

I love the internet...

nb: I just remembered the results I got for my English CW today: an estimated C hahaha! That was one of the highest marks in my class and it got done in a day. Queen of cram BOOYA! Haha!

Just finished the first part of my Meida CW after beating myslef up about it for ages. I am really pleased at how it is going and am confident that I can get a good mark from it. A B maybe? I really hope so! I dont even mind getting up early like today when I could have a lie in! It is now 9.46am so I thouhgt I would do a quick blog while I have the chance. With 3 other blogs I rarely have the chance at the moment, plus I can't get on to this at school because it (along with almost everything else) is now blocked.

I understnad their point at blocking stuff, after all things like rathergood.com are hardly educational. But when there is a load of computers not being used and you want to type something into a blog (which I am sure is very good for English skills :) ) you cant. Plus it often blocks things that actually are educational and important. I cant get online to see existing media essays anymore because they discuss phallic imagery and sexual transgressiveness. Kinda fruity I know but thats half of what I have learnt about this year lol.

I understand that that kind of thing is not suitable for the younger kids but it is all in an intellectual essay that even I as a keen media student cant be bothered to read. Some year 10 that hates reading isnt going to understand or even care about the phallacy of a cigarrette!

Oh well. No point complaining now really. I could of course get my laptop and scam my way into wireless school internet conection...heehee. I do need a laptop for uni and now my D:\ has broken on this computer inconveniently losing me loads of stuff that I didnt need but really wanted. All my neatly catalogued 8 gig of music for example. I could get it back but it is scattered all over the place on tens of CDs and across the net. I lost the games I downloaded too not to mention the few classic games from the 1980s that I dont think are even on shareware they are that rare.

The thing i am really dissapointed at is losing my Muse scores though. There were loads that I wanted to learn properly on guitar and now the site I got them off is down too (along with MX tabs for some reason). So my collection of tabs is greatly diminished.

*sigh*

Oh well.

Oooooh!

I GOT IN AT SHEFFIELD!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Oh yes. I was so happy about that! I just went "Yes! Get in!" and punched the air for about 5 minutes. I am so relieved. I wouldnt mind going to Lincoln but Sheffield is just ideal: the best journalism course in the country, the place I most want to live, one of the cheapest places to live,nice and close to home but far enough away to be independant.

It looks like Kat and Becky will probably both go to Huddersfield which was really bothering me. I was worried that they will carry on being the best of mates and I will drift away but with me so close to mome I could visit them anytime they are home :)

It also means I get to see my mates that are staying here: Keith, Tina, Mike, Nick, Kat B...

YES! I am so happy about it heehee!

This has also given me some motivation as before I was like "BCC? I could fail half of my A2 modules and get that. Why should I bother trying?" but now I have to get BBB. Not out of reach but I will have to work hard. I got AA CC in AS but AS is easier than A2.

I reckon I can get A or a high B in sociology A or high B in Politics, C or B in Media, C in Enlgih and probably a C in General studies, maybe a B if I am lucky?

I looked at the General studies practise exam I took and I got a solid B which I was really pleased about. I know it is shameless boasting but it was the 4th highest in the year, although it would have been terrible if I didnt do well as it was about english, sociology and politics and there are probably only 3 or 4 of us that do all of these in the yeargroup.

It just reinforced my confidence that although I am just ok at things that other people study and try hard at, when it comes to doing something that involved you being thrown in and second guessing stuff, I usually come out on top. Its that luck again! haha!

I know I am stupendously big headed but at this moment I really do not care! I have a happy glow about me right now. I feel confident and ready to go! Woo! Besides, having a big head and being confident is exactly what you need in journalism. No more Mrs nice girl lol.

I have decided to become more assertive. I have always been happy to do the whole "I am aloof and better than you becuase I wont fight you". Well. Nanas to that lol. I am not going to be pushed around and trodden on any more! Leering chauvanists, abusive customers and thieves have put a stop to that. I just get walked on by them because I dont want to cuse a scene. Well now I will put up a fight against anybody who tries to keep me down.

Down boy! Sit!

Hehe. I am so hyped up. Maybe I made my coffee too strong....

Anyways. I need to have a shower before I go to school so see you around )

I think this is going to be one of those posts that I go on for a bit! Apologies, but I have not posted for a while.

I am currently listening to Bonnie Tyler (I think, it could be Bonnie Langford, one of them is a dancer though I think...). After listening to a song in Tony Brigg's car today I was hooked! It was a song called "Holding on for a Hero" - no doubt a song from an equally cheesy 80s movie. It was fantastic though! For a start Tony's car has a massive and decadent (I love that word!) 240 Watt system in his Corolla that sounds fucking epic! The song has a frantic and layered drum machine in it consisting of a kicking bass, cha-chitting 16beat hats and mahoosive echoing power toms. This coupled with a fantastic off beat waspish growl of a bass just sucked me in. Bonnie Tyler/Langord whatever also has a deceptively good voice.

The whole song as achingly 80s which should make me despise or laugh at it but listening to its intensity and its buildup and its fantasticly unexpected chord progressions made me forgive it for its cheesy exterior. After all, a song with the chorus #I need a hero, hes gotta be strong and hes gotta be tough....# just smacks of cliche and 80s patriarchy. But who cares! Its cheesyness and kitchness gives it a kind of charm. It could become a firm favourite!

Tony (as he always does) kindly copied the CD for me and I now have it on my MP3 player. Yay!! This has also prompted me to put other stuff on my MP3 - The entire Queen Greatest hits, Steps (haha! yes I know), Britney Spears and "Killer Cuts" - a cheap and cheerful gimmick of the soundtrack to a little known 90s SNES beat em up. Heehee. I have such a fantastic bank of songs! Wooooo!

#I NEED A HERO. DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOOOOO. AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!#
Sorry, I had to put it on again! Oh man I LOVE this song! It will stick in my head for ages and ages. Could it beat the record of 10 days in my head currently held by Radioheads "Paranoid Android"? Maybe....

#I CAN FEEL HIS APPROACH IN LIKE A FIRE IN THE BLOOD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!#
Sorry. I will stop now but it is so damned good!

Ahem.

Other news.....

Oh yes my exams that I thought were going so badly have turned out to have gone really rather well - heh, my undying optimism, complacency and luck shines through again! English paper 5 in which you get a pack of material (the stuff I was looking thorough on that bench) and then have to regurgitate it over 2 1/2 hour in another form went well. I took a rather stupid risk by leaving all of my studying and note making of the pack till the morning of the exam. I could see that I was only going to have the time to study one so just hoped that a good question came up with the stuff I was studying on Mars. Of course an ok question did and I wrote reams and reams - the correct amount for a change! I wrote 1000 words just about bang on with a bang on 150 word commentary and the stuff was probably good. I cant remember or really judge if it was the correct tone or not. It is partly opinion on the examiners part anyway. I just hope it is, then I get to miss some lessons later for the people retaking the paper 5! Woo!

I finally got on to my UCAS tracking space to find that my no 2 choice requires only a 260 points! 260! I am not even sure it specified that it had to be from 3 A levels! Thats a BCC ! Yes!!!! I got AA CC at AS. Even if I do bad I can expect B CCC! Oh yes!

I still do have to work hard however in case I get in at Sheffield. I do really want to go now! I had a bit of a wobble a few days back and was like "Boohoo! I am going to uni and getting into debt and I dont know if I will be very good or even like it! I probably wont even get a good job and wil be poor.... Why dont I just work at McDonalds for the rest of my life? I am pretty good at it and everybody that is full time gets by with the wages and have cars and families and holidays...."

I feel better now though. I think I will enjoy uni life even if I find my course hard and dont like it. Becky has told me about reviews from Sheffield, everybody says it is great, even one from the Journalism course so it is as good as you can get really. I like the idea of being all independant and being in control. Heehee! Cool!

The only think I do wonder about is if I will make any good friends. I have no doubt that I will find people that I will talk to and maybe hang around with but will I have any really close friends? The kind that I have know that you can be totally natural with? That I can share my obscure humour with? That I can talk to deeply?

I dont know. I know I will always have Tina to talk to on the net but I worry that I will lose contact and closeness woth Kat and Becky. They have been there since the beginning. Kat with our games in the primary school playground.... Becky was my first ever real friend. We have been friends since nursery man! How can I cope without her being there? Its more the thought than anything that it is the end of the era and that we will drift apart no matter what we do. I hope against the odds that that doesnt happen.... Oh man now I can feel myself welling up.....

No. I am good now.

oh......

I will change subject becuase it has got me thinking of the devastation that is results day and us saying goodbye to the certainty of maintaining contact. And what Kat said.... "We wont see each other again after this year" . Does she have that little faith in the solidity of our friendship? Does that mean that she wont bother to try and keep in contact? Jeez! My brother saw his old mates every time he came home from Uni and there is such a thing as the internet! It may have just been a lack of understanding on her part of how easy it can be but it sounded a bit like she was giving up on me already!

I must stop this now. I cant waste my time getting all sad about potential futures.....

Ok. What else?


Hum. I dont really know! I guess there is work....
I have started to enjoy my job more now (have I put this before?). I sometimes even look forward to going! I guess it is because I enjoy the company of a lot of the people I work with. Ooooooooh! I remember something now that I was thinking about on the way home from work oooooh! and something else to that I wanted to write about.

First of all. A slightly massive topic. Why do bad things happen to good people? I have always brushed this question off as something people say in grief that is just a distorted view. After all bad things happen to everybody.... good and bad. You couldn't say that more bad things happen to good people than bad...... but it got me thinking the other day when I was told by lovely Lesley why Amy was off work.

It turns out that Amy's Dad was in a terrible car crash at 60mph and it is "touch and go" as to how he is. "Every moment.... you know" Lesley said and I just thought.... Why!?

Amy is the most adorable little urchin there is! She is so fun and cheerful and bouncy.... the kind of person you just want to be around because their lovely personality is infectious. We are always joking and messing around whilst on the job and we even talk at school - something I never really do with the others that go to Danum. She is one of those rare people that makes you (or at least me!) want to give them a massive hug with a big beaming smile on your face because they just radiate happiness!

I kept on thinking "Dont let him die. She deserves so much better than this pain." then it reminded me of Katie, the lovely manager who seemed to have been devestated by her boyfriend cheating on her with her friend that she had kindly taken in after she had a fallout with her mum. Then I thought of Sue Tattershawl - the smiley science teacher that had a loveing husband and child and suddenly died without warning or any meaning of a sudden heart attack along with her unborn child. Then I thought of Christie - the life and soul of the party at Monte Carlo Beach - the cyber comunity. She died after refusing to give thieves the keys to her car. She threw them down the drain in front of her instead of letting them do something wrong. So rightous and passionate and above all fun and she was struck down by some anonymous criminls for nothing. She even died with good humour. She was nothing but jokes in hosital I was told. Such a waste....

Then I remembered those poor kids that have been killed just outside of school. 5 in the past few years! 5! I was told this by Lucy at school. She told me the reason for all the road alterations and severe punishments for ignoring road safety on that road - so many young lives lost through carelessness....

There is a story that haunted me for a few weeks: the terrible, terrible story of a poor girl. It is an incident that one of the teachers were involved in. A teacher found the poor girl and refused to talk about to anybody. After some alcohol and persistant questioners he told Lucy that he had found the girl with her head completely crushed under the wheel of a car. "He had never seen anything like it" she said. I am not surprised that he couldnt talk about it. Its a wonder people dont go insane when haunted by such horrific images. I mean although Kat seemed unfazed I just kept on seeing the image of a poor girl with a crushed head lying limp and lifeless in the road. I cant walk past that patch of raod without remembering that story.

It really, really freaked me out that something so horrific and terrifying could happen somewhere I go everyday....

Well. I guess I have made my point. All the people I can think of that really bad things have happened to have all been exceptionally nice people. I kindof half wrote a song to the chord sequence I have had for a while on the way home from work. I wanted to call it "Rsndom act of Fate". I know it sounds like tautology but I mean to convey that fate chooses random victims and has no compassion. The words were so angry and heartfelt at the time but I dont think I could ever do the notion justice enough if I put it in a song. I know I will probably try at some point but I dont think I would put it online unless I thought it was some kind of masterpiece.

I was going to talk about something else now but that subjetc is even more morbid and disturbing so I will save it for another time.

I am glad I got that story about the girl off my chest. I neede to get it out so that I could quantify it and make sense of it. It still freaks me out to think about it but... it is better than it was to use a deeply insesitive phrase.

I feel a bit regretful that this blog has turned out so sad. I didnt mean it to. I am actually in a pretty happy and good mood but I guess these things are things that I have been making a mental note to talk about for a while so I guess it all the bad stuff came out at once.

I need to finish this blog on a happy note so..... um.

A joke....

Ooooh!

um....

no...

how bout.....

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were out camping one night. Sherlock said "Watson, what do you make of this situation?" Watson replied "Well, I think that the stars above us are mighty balls of gas that burn billions of miles away. They look like beautiful fireflies on a silky midnight canvas... winking specks from a ceasless horizon.... awe inspiring grandeur that humbles us all.....

"Watson?"

"Yes?"

"Somebody has nabbed our tent."

I got a new shiney phone! Yay! It takes pics and vids and you can voice activate it and it has editing software on it and did I mention it was shiney? Ahhh the smell of consumer fetishism.
I keep fiddling with my phone, I think I am unnerving Katherine. The games are rather diverting too. Very dangerous.

I am writing this again in the library with a very runy nose. I have had an impressive headcold for the past 3 or 4 days which has caused me to stay off school (and work!) for 2 days. Things I have learn from my illness: 1 - Sudafed does no work, 2 - How to actually use my phone properly, 3 - how to shop for chrimbo pressies people actually want 4 - I am getting some awsomely, uberly, massively ace dripping in loveliness carbon fibre drumsticks from Nicks for my b day, 5 - I am getting the most beautiful handmade silk guitar strap from Kat 6 - sitting by the fire for long periods of time makes you burn, 7 - Reading does not help a headache 8 - Always, always, always carry loads of tissues with you when you are producing large quantities of alarmingly yellow/green ick from your nose.

Not bad for a big of a sniffle eh?

*sigh* I am pretty bored. I arrived in school at 8.50am and have had exactly one formal lesson today. I have to hang around till 4 cos I am going to Don Valley for Alive TV training. In this time I have at least found another 3 chrimbo pressies and ordered them. Yay! I am being very good this year. I have done about half of my shopping and by saturday I will have most of it. Woo!

Ooooh its my birthday on saturday and I am actually looking forward to it now. I am less depressed about being 18 now than I was. I figure that although I have been a little depressed the last few days over all the crap I have to put up with till at least June, I now realise that after that I have the longest holiday I have EVER had!! Even better than the May-September jobbie of Yr11! Yay!!! Of course in this time I can loaf around shamelessly, earn loads of money, go to cool places (like Iceland! Yes!) and of course, loaf around some more. Who knows, maybe I will actually get round to writing that novel :). Damn thats a good story!

The only problem I now have is putting up with this oppressive and soul crushing feeling of being trapped in a monotenous yet grueling cycle of school, work and homework. Of course even putting up with this creates problems. I need to be up there, active and adrenalinified if I am going to excell. I don't want to just coast through and get good grades like I always do. I wanna cane myself and do the best damn work I have ever done and get amazing grades! If I want this career I need to get going and do it right. Unfortunately I am finding this difficult as no matter what I seem to do I always feel drained and tired. Although going to bed at sensible times has diminished the "oh my god I need to close my eyes or my head will split open" kind of tiredness, now I just have this gentle throb of apathy and general grogginess. I hope it is just because of this cold but I am not so sure. Maybe if I ate a little better then I would be more alert or if I took a little more exercise. But of course to do this I need time and (more importantly effort). The two things I am running short of.

Bloody vicious circle......

At least I have this Saturday to look forward to and after that Chrimbo! I had just better remember to tell Becky at work the times I am willing to work over chrimbo. If they even think about giving me the shifts they gave me at half term I do not know what I am going to do. I desperately need that time to relax and align myself back to a normal, healthy level of awakeness. I am already gonna have a stack of revision and coursework to do, plus uni offers (hopefully). If I get any more shifts than I ask for I think I am just gonna freak out. Worse than last time. (And I still have a scar from where I punched the wall 5 weeks ago.) I can't take it out on Becky as she is so nice and I can't leave work as believe it or not you can be fairly flexible with your hours unlike other places. I will add that on my to do list on my phone.....

Brrrr! Its cold outside. I can't remember it being so cold for so long. Maybe its just my memory but I dont remember it being this cold for years. It is supposed to be the coldest winter for ages. Ooooh! It is supposed to snow tomorrow or a bit later! About time too. To say it is mid to late november I find it a bit weird that it has been 4 degrees for a week during the day and it hasnt rained once.Bizarre...

Well. I think I am going to be kicked out soon. Apparently "The library isnt open afterschool tonight" so I will go and be bored in the common room. I still have 50 mins before I am picked up. And then after 1 1/2 hours of training it will take me an age (probably an ice one judging by temperature) bfore i get home.....

I am putting off finishing this media essay really badly. I have done half a page and it is 11.10pm. Sigh.

I am in the mood for writting a song but can't let myself as I have to be up early tommorow. Why does inspiration strike at such inconvenient times? I can see it now....a big epic ballad with heavy riff intervals about denied pasion or...something. Hey, wait a minute I just did one of those..... I think I found my niche!

After listening to Winamp I am beginning to realise just how amazing some of the music I have is. Right now I am listening to "Venice Queen" by the RHCP. Somehow they have managed to write an acoustic/funk/epic/rock ballad. Wow. Before that I listened to Garbage - "Cup of coffee" oooh that string quartet is so sharp and dissonant but it all somehow falls in to tonal place..... and "Silence is Golden" when the rockin part switches from 6/8 to 4/4. God Garbage are so fucking cool.

Maybe one day I could write something that good. No Charlotte. One day you will if you could just do something about it. Jeez I know the best bassist anywhere, a good guitarist, kat who is coming along on the drums and then there is me on vocals/kb/piano/bass/drums if required and I still have not gotten together to write any damn stuff with anyone else!

I do work best on my own when it comes to lyrics though.... and I kinda have to do the melody at the same time..... so the chords are pretty much static at that point.... and by that point i have an idea of how all the parts sound.....hehe. I guess I can't write with other people. I can't compromise when it comes to creativity. Everything must be just so.

I can never decide whether I am really quite good and I don't share it with anyone or tragically self important in a big teenage cliched mess. Meh. I prefer not knowing!

Teenage not for much longer though. Wierd. I don't think I am looking forward to being older. I normally don't like the thought of being another year. It makes me think of all the time passed and all the things I haven't done yet that maybe I should have done.

That reminds me. I had a great talk with Kat the other day about our love lives. We worked out that in our circle of 8 friends, almost everybody had gone out with each other, or liked each other, or more! So crazy.... We both told each other more than we normally do. I think we kinda freaked each other out a bit. I know I said something I may live to regret. Damn. I told myself it was nicer if I didn't say anything but...no. Oh well. The older I get the less important it seems but every now and again.... something sets it off and I remember properly and it all comes back.

Have you ever had a dream where you feel something ultra-mega-massively intense? I don't know if it is just me but I keep having dreams of extremes. Sometimes I just feel an emotion so massively in a dream that I can't get it out of my head. Luckily it is normally good. I must seem a bit wierd though when I am floating around school in a bizarre state of mind. You know. When you wake up and realise that it was all just a dream but you keep going over it and feeling that emotion. Still.....The most fear, saddness and pure contentedness I have ever felt has been in dreams. Hey thats a poetic line for you.... you need to dream to feel alive. I might use that!

Now I have reminded myslef of the horrible sharp implement and bloody death in front of many innocent young children nightmare I had.... *shiver* that was awful. There has to be some deep seated meaning in a dream that horrific. I don't wanna think about it.

Wow. I have rambled on today haven't I? I feel much better now. I think I needed to have a good ramble. Well I am sure this will make interesting reading in several years or indeed for any friends that decide to follow the link from my MSN page. Hehe. Sorry for freaking you out guys!