WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAA!

Oh yeah baby!

B-Gen Studs
C-English *snigger*
A-Politics
A-Sociology
A-Media !!!!?? WTF??!!

Media? A Media... A????

BWAHAHAHAHAAA! Oh the hilarity! Last year I was a C- !
I retook my MED2 and then blagged my way into retaking my AS coursework a week after the deadline. Guess it worked! I went from a D to a high B in that and then got AAB in my modules this year yay!

Hehe my English was as averadge as I suspected but I really find that rather hilarious right now! Haha I did better in Gen Studies lol. A journalist does best in everything but English lmao! Haha.

And I think I am officially queen of cram. Of the world! MURHAHAHA!

My English A2 coursework was supposed to be done over 5 months. Instead I did it the day before handing in for 7 hours straight and got a big old C Woop!

Good god I take the waz.

Gotta dash. Too happy to write.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Just thought I should say a few words as possibly the most important moment of my life is in 6 hours when I get my A level results. I am pretty nervous. I have a good chance of getting the grades I need but there is still a more than reasonable chance that I will get a BBC instead of a BBB which would mean going to Lincoln Uni and having much less chance of making it as a big time journalist.

Effectively, if I do not make it into Sheffield I lose the best opportunity I have to make it in my chosen career. It is possible from Lincoln, but so god damned hard it is very unlikely. Therefore if I do not attain three Bs in 6 hours time, my life plan is pretty much fucked to put it bluntly.

It all rides in 6. Then that will be it, straight down the line.

If I do not post for a while then the news will be bad and I wont feel like writing anything.
If the news is good however I will be dancing and shouting loudly and doing the same here.


BBB Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Sheffield Journialist GET IN MY SON!

BBC




Shit.

I wrote this entry last night as it was too late to go on the netty but I felt obliged to write something. I guess was in a very pensieve mood to make working at McDonalds into a metaphor of personal growth! God I was a bit gushy wasnt I?

Well even if it is a load of poo it did come from the heart at the time - and how! It is about 2000 words long. My goodness I wrote more in an hour than I managed to write for my English project at AS. :s

Hehe. Well here it is anyways:


I recon today is actually the final day of my childhood.

It just makes so much sense...

Today I have severed the final tie that binds me to the life I have lived here in Doncaster for the past 18 years. I am talking of course about finishing my last shift at my job at McDonalds today. It was a strange shift actually with me having the unusual job of window 2 - the money taking window at which usually only newbies and spare parts are chosen to do the job. I guess that is kind of symbolic of the way of things there. We are all but little seedlings to begin with lost within the great expanse of the earth, thrown in at the deep end with not a clue of what to expect, what to do, what to take in, what to ignore, what to become. We are pointed in the direction of the surface by the more experienced people, but the journey itself is only one you can make on your own.

Every moment you are there you take in tiny details - exactly how many millimetres to move your hand to stab in £20.00 in one swift movement, adding or taking an extra word in to your set customer repertoire for maximum efficiency, trying out new ways in which chunks of information can be recalled in bigger and better ways, figuring out which rules are there to be kept and which are simply formalities. Every little bit of what you do you take in and use and so working there becomes the sum of your experience. We who have done this week in, week out can give the new seedlings pointers but there is so much to take in it is simply not possible to pass your knowledge on and so on my last shift I was assigned something simple to do. Perhaps to allow myself to feel like I have achieved something, to remember how far I have come from the meek and lost little soul I began as.

I don’t think I made a single mistake today - surely a record in itself. I even spotted that a £20 note was fake - something I have never faced before. The shift was strangely easy and quiet for me. Things just looked and felt different somehow. As I saw the tears welling in Kirstie’s eyes I began to wonder why that was. Was it that she was simply frustrated at the things going wrong on the job for her - after all we all get emotional on shift when there is so much pressure and one thing after another goes wrong. I wondered if perhaps she was upset on that level but also because she knew that this is what her life had become, and perhaps what it always would be. After all she is at uni but that so often does not help out the managers at McDonalds and they end up just keeping their jobs where they are. Maybe she was crying for the future, maybe for the present or maybe for the past that she looked back on so fondly. Maybe she just had a moment in which she could see where her life was going, straight down the line, on a train she cant get off if she leaves it much longer.

Maybe it was just something else. I guess I will never know.

What I do know is that the past few weeks have been the most bizarre and extreme of my life. Everybody and everything looks so different as to how it did just 2 months ago. My life is like a new life - like I am on the path to the life I have always wanted, becoming the person I always wanted to be. What does it do to a person when everything a person has ever known - their whole way of life suddenly ends after 16 years? Since the age of 2 at nursery it has all been about learning - understanding, preparation for something bigger - infant school, junior school, secondary school, sixth form, university. Everything is just a step to the next thing. Learn, test, succeed, repeat. It is the life I know and the life I am accustomed to and now that is just not there any more.

They say you don’t grow up till you leave home and I think they are right. How can you know who you are until you have no constraints and no responsibilities to hold back who and what you are? I think that is where I am now.

Its like fate has made the transition for me - as I came towards the end of my school life and had nothing to challenge me, to keep me ticking over from late June to late September, fate saw fit to deal me a helping hand in an ugly disguise. My mother fell ill and suddenly I had so many new challenges to face. For the first time I was the one in control. I truly had the responsibility of others and myself.

My Mum in her illness became dependent on me for the first time which at first I found very shocking and upsetting. Then as my Dad had to go away to work I had to assume responsibility for all the things I had never even had a taste of before. Firstly I was truly responsible for myself for the first time - of course I don’t answer specifically to anybody. My parents have always granted me generous amounts of choice and do not breathe down my neck at all. I do of course have to bear them in mind daily by coming in at a sensible time so as not to disturb them, keeping things in places where they wont get in the way for them, not doing things that would make them worry excessively about me. The moment my Dad left the drive in his car that was gone. I would look after myself and answer only to myself for the first time ever. A liberating thing indeed.

I assumed responsibility for my lovely cats Ollie and Oscar. Suddenly I couldn’t just pet them when I felt like it, I was in the thick of it cleaning up things that before I didn’t have to imagine, dealing with mangled animal corpses, getting up early so that to feed them and let them out and worst of all getting them inside at night, God that was a challenge! You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get a cat through a door if they didn’t want to come inside. I resorted several times to leaving trails of treats, sleeping in the living room with the patio door open and a sword in my hand just in case or simply grabbing them and taking a good clawing.

The housework was certainly an eye opener but a good one. I now love ironing - there is nothing quite as therapeutic as gently working out the creases in a piece of clothing and thus restoring it to perfection, especially when listening to your favourite songs with the bass on full, rattling your teeth and singing like a banshee!

I guess most importantly I was left in charge of Mum. Of course she can look after herself but I am sure that having me or anybody come and visit her when she was feeling truly terrible must have helped her out. I was now a commuter as well!

In all I actually enjoyed my new lifestyle being a full time housewife, mother to two mischievous little cats and taking care of my Mum. It was really very liberating. I love independence and that was it in its purest form.

I also discovered just how brilliant all of my friends are. They were all so supportive but also stepped back and left me loads of space for me to just do my own thing. Spending so much time with Keith was certainly an eye opener. I really got to know him so much better, like I used to and we are now really great friends again rather than the occasional recro buddies we were becoming.

Man I love all of my friends so much. In fact I just want to thank them all right now!
Tina - you and me can talk about anything in the world and you know that I would climb mountains for you matey! You and me really are two peas from the same pod even if we didn’t realise it before! Peace to you imzadi.

Keith - You are my rock. You always go out of your way to help me and everybody else out and you are so damned funny! You are my 3rd bro! Could anybody else really just end up living at my house for 5 days without us noticing?

Kat - You know me so well you often know me better than myself! You always see through the façade and can tell what I am thinking, which although can be scary you always say exactly what I need to hear. You tell it like it is when nobody else is brave enough but you are never cruel. You give me a metaphorical slap when I need to come down! Thanks for being so honest and so supportive.

Scott - I haven’t known you long, but in this short space I you have been really supportive and a great laugh. You aren’t just Kats boyfriend I consider you one of my close friends and really like spending time with you. Although you sometimes go into more detail than I would like in some areas (heehee), I love your honesty and generosity. Thanks :)

Mike - Don’t you just love the internet? Without it I doubt you and me would be good friends! I know you probably think that our conversations are a bit one directional but that is not true at all. All of the things that worry you worry me too, and by attempting to give you advise you confront my demons . You always listen to what I have to say even when I talk shit. Who else reads my blog regularly! I really value you as a friend as you are always there for me when I need to talk. In fact, by listening to my moans and by reading my blog you probably know a side to me that maybe nobody else does. Thank you :)

Becky - Although you missed a lot of what has happened to me recently, you still have provided me all the support you possibly could. You offer me support in a different way that other people often forget. When things get tough, you always need a sense of normality and some stability. Without this, how could we keep going? I remember when things got tough for you a couple of years back you told me that you just wished people would stop treating you differently and let you keep going and working through your pain and I really empathised with you. Thanks for doing the same for me J you are my oldest friend and so you know me in ways that other people cannot. Thanks for sticking with me all these years :D

I love you all guys so much!

I will stop this sentimentality as it seems like a letter of goodbye and it isn’t. I wont let it be.
To come full circle, I think today was the last day of my childhood as not only have I left my last responsibility outside of my family, my Mum should (fingers crossed) be out of hospital tomorrow to make the rest of her recovery at home and thus that concludes that challenge.
I feel like I have grown up now, that I have life experience. People have commented that I seem more confident, more independent. I feel I have more perspective. I guess it just shows in the little things. I know I certainly surprised a few people at work a couple of weeks ago when I started speaking my mind more and being assertive. I guess when your work is just a small part of your life you treat it as such.

I am ready now for life. Before I thought I could do it. Now I know I can. If I can just keep in this mindset I know that I can go far in my career and achieve everything I want to achieve.

Farewell childhood. You have been a beautiful adventure full of little joys.
Enter life, what shall be an epic journey mine for the shaping…

Lets do it. Lets live.

#What a difference... a day makes...#

My god. What a bizzarre 24 hours filled with massive highs and some pretty fucking deep lows. I don't know how much I want to write about the lows today. It might be one of those things that I just need to deal with on my own and make sense of it before i can talk to other people about it. I still feel kinda.... empty. I guess I am just very drained today physically, mentally and emotionally. Really emotionally...

Well.
Lets start at the start.

After posting a blog at about 9 last night, I minced around on the net till 11 in the knowledge that I had done exactly zero revision for the double politics exam i had in the morning. I had been all blazé about it completely ignoring the feeling in the back of my mind that was saying "This is your hardest exam. You know you have to revise for it." To put my mind at rest I made myself go to bed at what is currently an early time 11pm. I intended to get up at about 6 or half past to do a bit of revision. I asumed I could do it all, after all I had revised the entire Sociology of Religion syllabus and typed it up in note form in three hours the other morning just before my exam (much to the annoyuance of Becky) and the exam went really well. But as I was in the bathroom doing my nighttime routine I got thinking (as I usually do).

The past 14 years of my life have been sent in schools learning so that one day... I can get a nice job and live happilly ever after. Everything you ever learn goes into your final set of exams. For some people that is their GCSEs but for me and lots of other people it is my A levels. As I progressed through my A level years my effort level has dropped lower and lower until I was doing the bare minum necessary to get thorugh without any incident. This suited me fine up until about that moment. My life was beginning to feel empty and without any real purpose or direction. I was drifting, not accomplashing. I had become lazy and was going to make the whole of those 14 years into a bit wet limp across the finish line. I began to think about what would have happened if if I did my exams differently. Would I glow with pride knowing hta I had done my best? I didn't know. It is not since the days of Yr9 PE that I had felt that in school. I had never needed to really push myself. I have always been lucky enough to have had the genes and the social background to do well. I mean both of my parents are clever as are my brothers there has to be something in the genes there and my social characteristics...

We learnt about what characteristics make you the most likely to succeedd in school. It was like a ticklist of me! White, girl, Middle Class, live in a nice area, I have been to the top state schools in Doncaster - Edenthorpe Hall has recieved top marks from OFSTED on several occasions, Hungerhill gets some of the best GCSE results in Doncaster and Danum 6th form is so good that Universities actually know the school!

So I guess I never really had to try because it was all there for me already. Don;t get me wrong, it isn't that I have coasted all these years beacuse I didn't. I do pay attention in class and so my homework but I never really gave school that extra 10% than I put into stuff that I do for myself like learning new instruments and drawing and stuff.

I sat in the bathroom and thought. "What if..." I wondered what would happen if for these last 3 days I worked to the max and really realised my potential. If I really wanted to I just knew that I could pull out something special and get some damn fine results that I could be proud of rather than just acknowledge as expected.

My mind drifted to what I wrote ages ago in this very blog about not wanting to just drift through but.... blitz it! Do it as damn good as I could and really be happy with the result. Then my mind drifted to something wonderful that Mrs Lucy Pond - a drama teacher at Hungerhill said to me and the whole production team just before the performance of a lifetime in Bugsy Malone. She said...
"I want you to imagine that within us all is a flame.... this flame is a little flicker in your tummy. Now when you go out there and perform that little flame will turn into a ball of fire and you will act harder than you ever have before. You will all give the best performance you have ever given and feel fantastic afterwards. Now.... go out there and do it."

Those words have stayed with me ever since that cast did the most amazing performance I have ever seen. Everybody was so good that they did everything spot on and then added little bits here and there that just made the performance fabuulous. Even me on the dinky school keyboard did a flawless performance and I was so crap in the stageband!

Those words are what originally made up my mind that I wanted to be a journalist. Whenever I think about it I can feel that flame in my tummy and at that moment as I sat in the bathroom, it became a blazing ball of fire.

Suddenly from nowhere it was like I was a different person. I became super assertive and awake and booted my ass in gear. I grabbed my school file of hundreds of messy scribbled noted of no order and tipped them on my knee. I spent the next hour and a quarter sorting out the politics notes into 8 highly organised piles and disgarding the others on the floor. At the end of the evening at 12.20 I had 9 piles of notes organised into subject that I could grab at 6 the next morning and type up into some brilliant notes. I had arrived again! I was back in the zone!

*****************************************
I woke up this morning at 5.51am after dreaming that I had forgotten to take my sheets with me to an English exam and panicking. I woke up feeling strangley good for that time of the morning and went downstairs to make a massoff coffee and, unusually, some breakfast.

I cannot even remember the last time I had breakfast. Usually I feel sick if I get up before 6.30 and dont really feel like eating anything until at least 10am. Today however I was actually rather hungry so I made myself a bacon and cheese bagel and the most ridiculous coffee ever divised by man (two heaped spoonfuls of Kenco extra rich, one teaspoon of drinking chocolate and two sugars!), I figured I really needed a rush whether it be caffeine or sugar or in this case, both :)

I managed to get about half of the revision done before I began listening to my Dad downstairs. He seemed to be on the phone to what sounded like the Doctors. I guessed it must be Mum as she had looked a bit ill as I had passed her on the way to the shower. I thought it must be something quite ba as my Mum never goes to the doctors ever. Its like a thing our family has, you have to be on deaths door before any of us go to the doctors. We consider it a waste of time as unless its an emergency, whatever you have has cleared up by the time you can see the doctor.

I was slightly concerned but for some reason put it to the back of my mind. I am not really sure why as usually I would have been really worried. Maybe it was because I had really begun to focus on the exam and my revision. Well I figured that something was wrong but I knew it wasnt too bad as I had heard Mum having a conversation with Dad. Before I knew it Dad was calling me so I could get a lift. "thats ok" I thought "If I grab the rest of my notes I can read them in the car and outside the exam room". The car journey took 5 minutes and despite the fact I arrived 15 minutes early, I was one of the last to arrive. We started straight away.

I remember feeling a certain amount of confidence but also a lot of nervousness. This was the exam that would dictate my future. It was the exam that I was most likely to drop grades in and maybe not scrape what I need for Sheffield. I could tell that I had treated this exam as important as I has on all my lucky trinkets and usually I limit them to one exam each! I had my chinese luck earings on, my lucky stripey socks and most importantly of all - my special pendant.

My pendant is no ordinary pendant. You may think I am cuckoo but that doesnt matter... Whether real or just an effective mind trick, I concentrated some of my positive feelings into the pendant when i was tripping over myself concerning they who shall not be named [see my writing stuff blog]. By putting all my positive psi (see www.psipog.com if you are confused) I now have happy feelings on tap when I hold the pendant in my hand. Brings me luck and good karma :)

Anyhoo. The first paper was a gift and went really well - better in fact than all of my ones done in class. The second one went pretty well too only one question was really tricky and everyone found that tough. So there ya go. I suddenly snapped into pushing myself forwards and doing this thing right! Woo!

I would love to continue this but the other half of today will have to wait as I am rather tired and have to do it all agin tomorrow.

Good fry! :)

Blah blah blah.

What sort of person wants to write a blog after a stupid English exam that is completely stupid and lasts for 2 1/2 hours? I guess that would be me then *sigh*.

Do I even have much to say? Well nothing that exciting or at least that I can be bothered to write about...

You know what I wrote about for 2 1/2 hours today? Tattooing! How random! You always get silly subjects to write about on paper 5 - thats the exam where you get two books of info in advance, have a look at them for a week then in an exam you have to write something like a radio 4 documentary on one of the subjects or a website or something. Really the exam is a bit pointless, they can only examnie your ability to write in the correct tone as you basically write the same info as they have given you but for another audience.

They have had some real gems of subjects in the past including bridges, jewixh cooking, nuts and bolts and my personal favourite - the history of soap. I was quite dissapointed when in January I got Mars and the life of Betty somebody a soul singer - they are pretty normal compared to what you usually get! This time I got tattooing and King Arthur. Which else could i choose besides tattooing! Hehe.

In theory you should study both booklets in detail highlighting, indexing, that sort of thing. In true cramming style i just read through most of the tattooing one for an hour and made an index with context, audience, purpose and subject in it. I think that pissed Becky off as she as always had been hard at work doing everything thoroughly and we usuallt get about the same marks. Dont blame her I dont desrve the marks I get from the amount of effort i put in!

The exam did little apart from make me really want to get a tattoo. That is bad.

I don't know that i would ever get one really. I would love a small, discreet and tasteful one that wouldnt go all wrinkly in my old age and that was really unique and meant something special to me. Currently, however none of these criteria are met!

Good job. Having a tattoo can so easily look stupid or tacky.

Anyhoo. Developments, developments.....

Yeah I think my circle of friends has just double in about a week hehe. I went bowling with Scott and his friends with Kat and Becky - Scott being Kats new boyfriend. We both know him from Hungerhill and we met him again at Mike Rybaks party. The two of them certainly seemed to "get along" hehe. Anyways I now talk to Mike's brother James on MSN as a result and Mark Friend, and I think I will be seeing more of Nick and Mike E. All in all good stuff :) I think I needed to get out and meet new people just to prove to myself that I still could! They are all really nice people too, I can see me hanging out with them all regularly.

Anything else... yes. I have discovered the joys of eyeliner. Apologies for the girlyness of this but wow! I had never been good at putting makeup on. Whenever I eventually had a go there always seemed something missing.... eyeliner!

I never noticed it before but nearly all girls wear eyeliner everyday. So much so that you dont even notice but you should see the difference it makes! I am now tempted to wear it all of the time but i think i will refrain. Wearing makeup all the time makes you look dead ropey when you are ill or cant be bothered to put some on and then you lose the wow factor when you put it on. Ok. Girly bit over.

I have also ordered the most damn cool T Shirt ever devised by man!

Lookie!

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/search.do?productCode=MUSTEEVAR

I thought I would wear it to the gig. For those of you who cant be arsed to click on the link, or if decides to stop working, the t shirt has a graphic equiser in it - it has a luminescent display like the ones you get on stereos that goes up and down in time with the music. It is soooooooooo cool.

I actually cant wait for it to arrive! How mint is that going to be when i am drumming in front of loads of people? Sweeeeeet :)

Well thats about all for today i think. Bye for now :)

Four words:

Last
Week
Of
School

How bizzarre! Suddenly after 14 years the very thing that my (and everybody elses) life is centred around is gone. How odd... I dont think I am sad at all really. I guess I have finally outgrown school really. I do still have the desire to learn but am finding school a bit tedious really, things move too slow. We arent getting to do enough "wow this is amazing/mind bending" like I used to but more "Oh were doing party finance... again". Yeah I am looking forward to going to Uni now, I need some adventure - to get a bit of variation you know?

Its this that may prove to provide some friction between me Kat and Becky over the holiday we have been talking about for ages. It all began when me and Kat were having one of our deep conversations and we realised that what we both really wanted - and needed was an adventure. Something that really makes you feel like you are experiencing life. We wanted to get lost and have to sleep in a bus shelter or realise you have one pair of pants for 2 weeks holiday because you forgot to pack more... we just wanted to live a little, get some life experience and have a damn good laugh!

This started well as we began looking for destinations. We took the whole world as a potential destination and narrowed it down to a few, someting like Japan, Iceland, Germany, USA and The Czech Republic. We decided that we should ask Becky to come with us too 3 = more fun! It initially took some persuading to get Becky to like any of our choices but eventually she decided that she rather liked Iceland. Me and Kat had already decided that this was our first choice so we were pretty pleased.

We are however, now having difficulty in finding a good packadge deal to iceland. This has led Kat to be persuaded towards Becky's preference of going somewhere more usual more cheaply. Now I know that we would have a laugh even if we went to one of the shite Spanish resorts that are basically England 2 made for boring English people that want England woth more heat. I want some culture! I know that we could visit markets and stuff but I want culture in terms of culture shock! I want to go "woah really!" I know that we wouldnt spend all the time at the beach because there would be other things to do but the pool and the beach would play a large part in the holiday. There is nothing wrong with that but I prefer to go on holiday to explore rather than relax.

I know that it would be cheaper and that we would still have a laugh and enjoy ourselves but it could be so much more. Where is the adventure in going to some generic Mediteranean resort? Come on guys lets live a little!

I really hope I can persuade them to come around to my idea. I wont regret going on a holidya anywhere with them, but I will regret not going on holiday somewhere more unusual and exotic. Yes we do need money to go to Uni but we wont have a proper hoilday for 4 years at least. We wont be able to afford one when we are there. On top of that this is the height of our young lives. The time in whicch we have all the rights but no responsibilities. I doubt there will ever be a time when we all do not have jobs or partners that we can just drop on a whim and fly off to some other place for however long we like.

They are being sensible and logical yes, but now is the time to be impulsive and carefree. Come on guys lets do this! Lets have an adventure!

Speaking of which. I have decided that I do really like Mr GSOH but havent yet got the courage up to ask him out. If either he or BG are at work then I will either ask him or chicken out and get his number off BG hehe. I would really like to go out with somebody right now. It would be nice to have somebody to share stuff with.

*Dreamy sigh*

Well. I think thats all for now.

I just read how many posts are on this blog and guess how many before this one...

41!

41 times I have written down my thoughts that will be kept hopefully) in cyber space for many many years to come. All since october!

I love the internet...

nb: I just remembered the results I got for my English CW today: an estimated C hahaha! That was one of the highest marks in my class and it got done in a day. Queen of cram BOOYA! Haha!

Ok. So I have a choice.

Either ask a certain person (who I will call Mr GSOH for anonymities sake) out, or have a certain manager (who I will call BG for big gob) tell the entire store that I fancy Mr GSOH [note to self - you remember?!] when in fact I dont think I really do. Hmmm. Tough one.

I dont know. I will decide in time and then when I next see one of them probably do the complete opposite in an impulsive moment haha! Decision making with me can sometimes be pretty pointless as I usually wind up then deciding a split second before I do it. Oh well, being impulsive isnt so bad. I guess it makes things more exciting.

Ooooh. In my haste to write about the state of the middle east, my laptop and the pub in my past couple of posts I forgot to mention that Staffordshire eventually rejected me after another phoning and emailing. About time too!

That means all I have have to do now is pass all my exams haha! Not much then.

My exam TT is so pants this year. I have 6 weeks of study leave. All of my exams are in the last 3 weeks, half of which are in the last week, one of which is a 2 hour exam starting at 1.30 of the 29th of June - my leavers do! How pants is that!
At least I dont have an exam the day after like has happened in the past, that would be really pants!

Oh well. In 6 weeks my 14 years of state study will be over. Just another 3 years left of private then haha! I really dont feel particularly bothered that school will soon be over. I think I am just about ready to leave, the cycle of rules and exams is getting tedious. The only down side is that I wont see Kat Becky and Keith very often. But then if seeing Tina is anything to go by, I bet I will still see them often. Me and T are proper close now! Like inseperable!

We have totally opened up to each other and now know each other pretty inside out which is kind of liberating. We share lots of really special moments together - you know the kind that you always remember and look back on.

One time we both remember really well is when we were on the coach to Soughtern France with school. We had been on the coach for about 18 hours and were both zonked. Tina couldnt sleep though as she has always found it hard to get much sleep away from home, I wasnt much better as I could barely move my legs for our bags and was sat straight upright in my crap broken chair causing me to wake up with a jump every time I fell asleep and my head rolled off the back of the seat!

Anyways, it was about 2am - a time that 14 Year olds like me an T rarely saw. Everybody else on the coach was asleep (except the driver luckily) all was quiet. A thunderstrom broke out - the most unusual that I and probably anyone else had ever seen. It gradually changed colours - yellow, orange, pink, blue. Because France is so flat in the center we could see it stretch right across the sky and even strike the barrier at the side of the road every now and again. It was just one of those moments in your life that you wish you could capture and have it for safekeeping becaue it was so beautiful. We didnt speak for quite some time, we just smiled at each other when it was over as if to say "Wow. But lets not speak and spoil the moment"

Well. I think I will finish on that nice note as I have a headache and am rather tired. Byeeeeee :)

In true Boylio blog stylee I will now attempt to write a very complex blog whilst being incredibly tired after a random gap of a month hehe. I guess sometimes I dont want to do things by halves.

Well I guess the first thing to day is that this is the first blog I have ever written on my .... ahem ... NEW SHINEY LAPTOP WOOOOOO!

Finally a compy to call mine and mine alone. Mmmmmmm...

So what was I going to say? Um I dont really know.

I am sure many things have happened in the last month but I really cant think of anything too interesting right now...

I guess a notable milestone is the fact that i have now been to the pub twice now at quiz nights at the Eden Arms near Tescos. I always promised myself that I wouldnt be a drinker.... well I am not (really). Hehe. I have had no more than 2 drinks each time I have been out and dont intend to have any more. Alcohol is a novelty after all, at least it is to me. Very rarely does alcohol taste really nice, any other soft drink is usually nicer to me, and it effects me quickly - something I dont really enjoy the senstaion of, and yet I drink a little.

I guess it will wear off evebtually.Not drinking could save me a shedload as a student. Isnt it funny how illogical people are. I am not trying to do the I-art-holier-than-thou act because, frankly I am pretty much the same. But how comes people go out to often noisy and unpleasantly smoky pubs to drink overpriced alcohol and eat even more hideously overpriced crisps? When you ask somebody this question (and I sometimes do ask these kind of questions) I usually get looked at funny or get the all purpose response "because its sociable innit" (and once even an inexplicable "grow up" when I asked Gaz at work what the point of football was).

I cannot say that these people are wrong as they do genuinely seem to feel that going to these places that in any other context would be the last place you want to be, are the bee knees. Fair dos, I can understand why people may think htem better but not that much better than having a few quiet ones with your friends in the comfort of your own home where you have the remote and the crisps are not 60p each.

Maybe it is just me. I dont tend to get these things very often.

Ooooh. I think I have found a way to deal with dumbass blokes that come through the drivethrough at night. The other night I was being called over to the window with "Oi!" and "Pssshht". I decided to pretend I didnt hear them as I could predict the way the conversation was going to go before I even looked at who was there. Eventually I went over in my own time to give them their order. I did the usual teeth crackingly insincere thanking that I do to irritating customers before the kind of thing I was expecting arrived.

A guy with shirt back and sides brushed forwards under a mound of gel with the obligatory bomber jacket and gold rings leaned out of the back window and l,ooked at me. I was sure he was going to do the whole mocking "Oh your gorgeous I want your number yadda yadda thing" when you know mother Teresa looks better. But no. He caught me off guard with a new one...

"Excuse me love. Do you know how to suck 'em?"

This one threw me as I had a comeback for the number jibe ready. I tried to play it cool and just said "Yeah whatever have a nice day" and closed the window. Didn't work too well though and they sped off laughing.

The answer of how to deal with that the best way, and most other stupid comments from inane blokes came in the form of a Media lesson. Two YR10 boys had been put into our class for misbehaving and were smirking across the room to one another. Miss Evans put a stop mto that straight away by appealing to the sexist males tendency towards homophobia. She said but one sentence: "Are you boys done smiling lovingly at one another?"

Bingo. You genius Claire Evans. That wiped the smiles off their faces and they didnt make eye contact the rest of the lesson! Haha.

I can see that working wonders on most of the losers that come through the DT.

I can see it now. Next time....

Losers: "Oi! Psshhht!"
Me: [casually assembles the order and ambles over to the window]
"Theres your order..."
Loser 1 : Excuse me love. Do you know how to suck 'em?"
Me: [Looks at him calculatingly with a hint of pity for a moment]
"Why dont you ask your boyfriends.... they seem keen."
[casually slides the window shut and walks away to the sound of loser 1s mates laughing themsleves silly at him]

It has been a long time since I wrote anything hasnt it? You may (or may not) be pleased to know that I now have the joys of broadband on this beaten up old box. Yay! That is part of the reason that I havent written anything for a while as I had no connection for a while, that and laziness hehe. Well, actually I kept thinking about something to write on here but either couldnt think of anyhting remotely intersting or thought of something incredibly long, complex and ultimately boring.

Just a few minutes ago I had a big craving for chocolate but couldnt find any so I am sat here (rather ashamedly) eating Super Cook chocolate chips. I am so bad!

You may (if I have remembered how to do it properly) have noticed that this page is a fetching shade of blue - powder blue in fact. "Why?" I hear you ask... well I went to an open day at Lincoln Uni today and got taught a thing or two about html. It turns out that you can play around typing in different colours in to the script. Fun! [See my previous post on my colour fixation!] The Online journalism lecturer has emailed me saying that he would be interested in looking at my blog so this one is for you Bernie!

I am in a bit of a pickle now with which uni to put as my first choice. Until today Lincoln was supposed to be my insurance but having seen it.... oooh I dont know! The course looks really good, I can see myself really enjoying myself if I chose it. The city is lovely too, much nicer than the delapidated and gritty depths of South Yorkshire. The accomodation looks nice... if I understood the brochure right I could get up to £1000 punds a year in scholarship... there are less pubs for people to pester me to go to... there is a lakeland so I can persuade mum to come down and give me a lift back...

On the other hand though. Sheffield is Sheffield. It has a fantastic reputation, it is the cheapest place to live, it is only 15 minutes on the train compared to a lot of hoo ha on the train to Lincoln and the course looks like it would set me up best for a job. I would love to live in Lincoln and do the course because it just looks more fun, but if I am honest ith myself I really should go to Sheffield as I think the course is the closest you can get to real journailsm. You get a part of the city assigned to you that you have to go and report for. How cool is that!? You also learn shorthand as part of your course and get to spend lots of time in courts. It just seems more like the frantic caffeine dependent life of a journalist that is what seems exciting to me.

I guess the real reason that I am tipped in favour of Sheffield is that I know somebody that went to Lincoln Uni to do Journalism, and having graduated with a 2:1 cannot find a job. He is now working in my McDonalds. I just keep thinking "Oh my God! That will be me if I dont get a job out of this!"[Sorry Bernie!] If I had the pretentious prestige of Sheffield Uni on my CV I bet employers would look at me more favourably.

Well. Never say never. I wouldnt be dissapointed if I went to Lincoln just.... nervous of what would become of me. I think you can accept your insurance over your first choice anyway so the option is still there.

Oh yeah. I have been reading some of my old entries and realised that I often dont bother saying what becomes of my worries and efforts so I will do a little round up here:

• I got my driving liscense and have had a couple of lessons with Dad down a creepy lane full of cruisers. The DVLA have kindly sold of my personal details to various companies and I am now recieving crap through the mail from car insurance companies. Well, at least it isnt all the liposuction and christian life insurance sapm I keep getting!
• I finished my MED3 Media coursework. I did these three rathergood style anti smoking posters in photoshop and then did my entire written folder in 4 hours. Queen of cram yeah!!
• ID cards have been approved after Geoff "Git face" Hoon threatened the Lords with passing a new bill making them have to agree with anything in the governments manifesto, thus rendering them pretty pointless. The cards are (and I quote) "not compulsory". You will have to get one when you get a passport however. So you only actually have to get one if you plan on leaving the country at some point in your life. Riiiiiight...
• Iraq is at this time not at civil war but things still aint looking good. Blair is thinking of running away and leaving the Iraqis to it. Bitch. Just a couple of posts ago I said what I think about the whole Iraq business and I am not happy about sodding off from Iraq at all. When the British and American goverments have the audacity to go and play with their new missiles in some country seemingly chosen by raffle, dont you think they should clear up their mess rather than pissing off and leaving the civilians to pick up the pieces? Yeah they say that they are relinquishing control over to the Iraqi army but they barely have one yet! They just want to save their own sorry arses from dropping even lower on the opinion polls. Bush is down to just 33% approval you know. That is the lowest presidential score... ever! What an idiot. If Iraq ever want to get their own back on Shrub they should drop a bag of pretzels on the white house. That should finish him off.
• I still havent heard anything more about Katie. I guess she isnt coming back to CrapDonalds after all. Oh well, I bet she is happier where she is than having to work with somebody she hates. Matthew Clinton my old mate from school is now working there though so things are more fun now :)
• I havent got much further with learning Korean, I havent really had the time but I still intend to. I have kinda forgotten about it along with nunchaku. Well, with the holidays here I bet I can find the time for both. Roll on nunchaku bruises!
• I havent had any more dilemmas concerning having to store loads of secrets on behalf of anybody. It would seem that most people have stopped caring why Katie left and forgotten about the whole thing. Well fair enough I guess.
• I got my January exam results back: Politics A, English C, Sociology A and Media....B. How!? Ig ot full marks in my media resit after barely getting a D last time WTF?! The first essay I did in the exam was pretty good but the second was barely over a page long! Goodness only knows how all the YR12 noobs must have done to bump my marks up to full! Haha! I was really chuffed anyway and decided to resit my AS coursework (the MED3). It seemed like a good idea as my media module grades are now A,A,D-. This is despite the fact that tah only gave me 3 weeks to do my MED3 on a very bodged extension that really peed Mr Hudson off. Anyhoo I got it done as you know in a cramming style again. How good it is I have no idea as unsurprisingly I didnt recieve any help with it.

Well I think that is all I need to update for now. The online lecturer at Lincoln has suggested that all of us applicants send him some stories to stick on the Lincoln website. I have been wondering about doing an article "30 days" style on what it is like to work at McDonalds. This would have to be all hush hush however as there is an amusing clause in my employee ahndbook instructing me not to talk to "any media outlet as comments can be twisted and used against the company". Very true but also rather sad. I guess I could have done it under a psudonym but having mentioned this in my blog that would now be pretty pointless. Meh. I will think about it. I could always go for a no brainer of a review of something I suppose.

Well. As much as I could probably go on I should really go to bed. Despite waht the silly bar at the bottom says I am postin gthis at 12.00am and have to get up at 6 for work at the place of ineffable torment. You know, the other day for a short while, dying literally seemed better than going on at that place.... very worrying.

If you have made it this far Bernie without falling asleep or being thoroughly confused by my many tangeants, I thank you. You have probably doubled my audience.

Peace, sayonara, later, whatever. :D

CAN I GET A WOO?

CAN I GET A HOO?

WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

THE QUEEN OF CRRRRRAM DOES IT AGAIN! YEAH BABY!

Oh man I feel sooooooo good!

Just printed off me Media CW after week sof heartache. Even better than that. Hehehehe. Oh jeez. I did the WHOLE of my English CW yesterday and handed it in today after my English teacher said he could find a fault with it hahaha!

I have supposed to be working on it since october and just did the whole thing yesterday and its fine!

The title of Queen of Cram is mine again. Yay!

I did have a bit of a hiccup however as half the power in Doncaster went off just as I was about to finish me Media CW. In the end me and Kat came home skipping our P4 lessons so we could finish. I wonder what everyone else is going to do...

Still. Yeah! MED 3 is gonna be a piece of weewee now aint it? Play in photoshop then bang out 1500 words in a few hours then. Maybe I get me an A in Media. Not bad to say I was a low C a week ago!

Damn I am so hyped.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I dont want to go to bed yet and I want to write something but again I am not really sure what. I guess I could talk about work but I dont think I really want ot, its kindof boring and I have so much to do I sont know if it is actually possible to do or not.

OH MY GOD I HAVENT EVEN STARTED MY ENGLISH AND I HAVE 2-3 WEEKS TO HAVE IT COMPLETED AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT!

Ok that feels better now that is off my chest. Moving on....

Ok. What can I do as a little update? Ah yes. I sent off my provisional drivers liscence form today. Maybe I will be driving soon! Yay! There are so many places that I have always wanted to go but have never really had the chance to do just so with mum and Dad. I would lover to go in to the peak district for instance and find this enourmous waterfall gorge that I have seen on TV that looks absaloutely stunning. Whenever I am meditating or whatever I imagine myself there. Even that story fragment I wrote on my writing stuff is inspired by that place. Ooooh how lovely it would be to go there and just.... sit and look at the tumbling water and be content. Mmmmmm.

The north coast of Northern Ireland looks beautiful too. I would adore it if I could drive around the North coast taking in the dramatic cliffs, the rolling sea, the lush green and the quaint little villages. Oh yeah...

I think that is one of my dreams hehe. Along with visiting Seoul in Korea, Tokyo, The great Wall of China, New York and Reykjavik. And of course after I have become a top respected music journalist under control of several newspapers and magazines whilst being a rock star. And most definantly after I have retired to a job in a my own little ice cream van touring the sea sides of britain..... ah that would be the life....

Well. At least I am on my way to a few of those goals. I am learning to drive, have read a book about Korean culture (so different from our own it is really very interesting) and am learning to read Han Geul, am saving up to go on holiday to somewhere like Reykjavik in the summer, spending loads of time practising guitar and drums so I can join a band at uni, am half way there to the best journalism uni course in the country...... and I make a damn fine McFlurry! Wait a minute.... I am on my way to all of those goals.... rock on!

I guess all is good really. I just have to see little things like pulling a 3000 word English dissotation of which I know nothing about from knowhere and I am laughing. I guess it will be one of those things that I will worry and worry about and it will all just be fine in the end. Just look at those exams a few weeks ago. They all turned out just fine with minimal revision. I think....

Well I hope all will be well anyway. Even if it is not English is my weakest subject and I still have 4 more form which to get 3 Bs for Sheffield. Not getting in to Sheffield is not an option however.... I have my heart set on that place now. It is just perfect for me in every way and will really test and push me. Damnit I want to go to Sheffield! And I guess I will. I just have to not stop and slack but instead get shit done and I will get where I have always wanted to be.

Isnt it strange that you spend 14 years in school learning stuff only to be told at the end "See ya. So something decent with your life and all that.....". Hmmm. You expect something a little more extravagant after spending the first 7/9ths of your life studing for the benefit of society. How ironic that I will hopefully become part of the low brow part of society. What Marxists would call part of the superstructure and what the new right would ironically label a decadant superficial establishment that lowers all 'standards' to the 'lowest common denominator'. Thats a bit of an 'up yours' to the establishment isnt it? I didn't intend it to be but I cant help but admit that is quite a satisfying thought at some level....

Hey. Wasnt I supposed to have a bath or shower tonight?.... Damn it.

Sorry about the tangeant there but now I will have to improvise tommorrow. I guess I could straighten the hair and just have a quick bath without washing the hair..... oh wait. Is the water even on then? Damn it. I will have to think of something. I bet I am late for work again. I can't be significantly late or I might be the one that the new boss Alex (funny eh Tina?) makes an example of. Well. In that case I will be off to bed before I get zonked tommorrow.

Bye bye for now. I know that you wont get the little asides and the comment below. Well. You aint supposed to lol. You can ask me if you like but you wont get an answer from me! Lol.

Bye for now.

Note to self: I must write this now at 23.57 as it only occured to me what day today is at about 5.00pm and I have only just recalled again a few minutes ago. While it is still February the 18th I will acknowledge this date and celebrate it. I hope in years to come when I read this I still remember and feel the significance. AJALVP

Just finished the first part of my Meida CW after beating myslef up about it for ages. I am really pleased at how it is going and am confident that I can get a good mark from it. A B maybe? I really hope so! I dont even mind getting up early like today when I could have a lie in! It is now 9.46am so I thouhgt I would do a quick blog while I have the chance. With 3 other blogs I rarely have the chance at the moment, plus I can't get on to this at school because it (along with almost everything else) is now blocked.

I understnad their point at blocking stuff, after all things like rathergood.com are hardly educational. But when there is a load of computers not being used and you want to type something into a blog (which I am sure is very good for English skills :) ) you cant. Plus it often blocks things that actually are educational and important. I cant get online to see existing media essays anymore because they discuss phallic imagery and sexual transgressiveness. Kinda fruity I know but thats half of what I have learnt about this year lol.

I understand that that kind of thing is not suitable for the younger kids but it is all in an intellectual essay that even I as a keen media student cant be bothered to read. Some year 10 that hates reading isnt going to understand or even care about the phallacy of a cigarrette!

Oh well. No point complaining now really. I could of course get my laptop and scam my way into wireless school internet conection...heehee. I do need a laptop for uni and now my D:\ has broken on this computer inconveniently losing me loads of stuff that I didnt need but really wanted. All my neatly catalogued 8 gig of music for example. I could get it back but it is scattered all over the place on tens of CDs and across the net. I lost the games I downloaded too not to mention the few classic games from the 1980s that I dont think are even on shareware they are that rare.

The thing i am really dissapointed at is losing my Muse scores though. There were loads that I wanted to learn properly on guitar and now the site I got them off is down too (along with MX tabs for some reason). So my collection of tabs is greatly diminished.

*sigh*

Oh well.

Oooooh!

I GOT IN AT SHEFFIELD!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Oh yes. I was so happy about that! I just went "Yes! Get in!" and punched the air for about 5 minutes. I am so relieved. I wouldnt mind going to Lincoln but Sheffield is just ideal: the best journalism course in the country, the place I most want to live, one of the cheapest places to live,nice and close to home but far enough away to be independant.

It looks like Kat and Becky will probably both go to Huddersfield which was really bothering me. I was worried that they will carry on being the best of mates and I will drift away but with me so close to mome I could visit them anytime they are home :)

It also means I get to see my mates that are staying here: Keith, Tina, Mike, Nick, Kat B...

YES! I am so happy about it heehee!

This has also given me some motivation as before I was like "BCC? I could fail half of my A2 modules and get that. Why should I bother trying?" but now I have to get BBB. Not out of reach but I will have to work hard. I got AA CC in AS but AS is easier than A2.

I reckon I can get A or a high B in sociology A or high B in Politics, C or B in Media, C in Enlgih and probably a C in General studies, maybe a B if I am lucky?

I looked at the General studies practise exam I took and I got a solid B which I was really pleased about. I know it is shameless boasting but it was the 4th highest in the year, although it would have been terrible if I didnt do well as it was about english, sociology and politics and there are probably only 3 or 4 of us that do all of these in the yeargroup.

It just reinforced my confidence that although I am just ok at things that other people study and try hard at, when it comes to doing something that involved you being thrown in and second guessing stuff, I usually come out on top. Its that luck again! haha!

I know I am stupendously big headed but at this moment I really do not care! I have a happy glow about me right now. I feel confident and ready to go! Woo! Besides, having a big head and being confident is exactly what you need in journalism. No more Mrs nice girl lol.

I have decided to become more assertive. I have always been happy to do the whole "I am aloof and better than you becuase I wont fight you". Well. Nanas to that lol. I am not going to be pushed around and trodden on any more! Leering chauvanists, abusive customers and thieves have put a stop to that. I just get walked on by them because I dont want to cuse a scene. Well now I will put up a fight against anybody who tries to keep me down.

Down boy! Sit!

Hehe. I am so hyped up. Maybe I made my coffee too strong....

Anyways. I need to have a shower before I go to school so see you around )

I think this is going to be one of those posts that I go on for a bit! Apologies, but I have not posted for a while.

I am currently listening to Bonnie Tyler (I think, it could be Bonnie Langford, one of them is a dancer though I think...). After listening to a song in Tony Brigg's car today I was hooked! It was a song called "Holding on for a Hero" - no doubt a song from an equally cheesy 80s movie. It was fantastic though! For a start Tony's car has a massive and decadent (I love that word!) 240 Watt system in his Corolla that sounds fucking epic! The song has a frantic and layered drum machine in it consisting of a kicking bass, cha-chitting 16beat hats and mahoosive echoing power toms. This coupled with a fantastic off beat waspish growl of a bass just sucked me in. Bonnie Tyler/Langord whatever also has a deceptively good voice.

The whole song as achingly 80s which should make me despise or laugh at it but listening to its intensity and its buildup and its fantasticly unexpected chord progressions made me forgive it for its cheesy exterior. After all, a song with the chorus #I need a hero, hes gotta be strong and hes gotta be tough....# just smacks of cliche and 80s patriarchy. But who cares! Its cheesyness and kitchness gives it a kind of charm. It could become a firm favourite!

Tony (as he always does) kindly copied the CD for me and I now have it on my MP3 player. Yay!! This has also prompted me to put other stuff on my MP3 - The entire Queen Greatest hits, Steps (haha! yes I know), Britney Spears and "Killer Cuts" - a cheap and cheerful gimmick of the soundtrack to a little known 90s SNES beat em up. Heehee. I have such a fantastic bank of songs! Wooooo!

#I NEED A HERO. DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOOOOO. AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!#
Sorry, I had to put it on again! Oh man I LOVE this song! It will stick in my head for ages and ages. Could it beat the record of 10 days in my head currently held by Radioheads "Paranoid Android"? Maybe....

#I CAN FEEL HIS APPROACH IN LIKE A FIRE IN THE BLOOD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!#
Sorry. I will stop now but it is so damned good!

Ahem.

Other news.....

Oh yes my exams that I thought were going so badly have turned out to have gone really rather well - heh, my undying optimism, complacency and luck shines through again! English paper 5 in which you get a pack of material (the stuff I was looking thorough on that bench) and then have to regurgitate it over 2 1/2 hour in another form went well. I took a rather stupid risk by leaving all of my studying and note making of the pack till the morning of the exam. I could see that I was only going to have the time to study one so just hoped that a good question came up with the stuff I was studying on Mars. Of course an ok question did and I wrote reams and reams - the correct amount for a change! I wrote 1000 words just about bang on with a bang on 150 word commentary and the stuff was probably good. I cant remember or really judge if it was the correct tone or not. It is partly opinion on the examiners part anyway. I just hope it is, then I get to miss some lessons later for the people retaking the paper 5! Woo!

I finally got on to my UCAS tracking space to find that my no 2 choice requires only a 260 points! 260! I am not even sure it specified that it had to be from 3 A levels! Thats a BCC ! Yes!!!! I got AA CC at AS. Even if I do bad I can expect B CCC! Oh yes!

I still do have to work hard however in case I get in at Sheffield. I do really want to go now! I had a bit of a wobble a few days back and was like "Boohoo! I am going to uni and getting into debt and I dont know if I will be very good or even like it! I probably wont even get a good job and wil be poor.... Why dont I just work at McDonalds for the rest of my life? I am pretty good at it and everybody that is full time gets by with the wages and have cars and families and holidays...."

I feel better now though. I think I will enjoy uni life even if I find my course hard and dont like it. Becky has told me about reviews from Sheffield, everybody says it is great, even one from the Journalism course so it is as good as you can get really. I like the idea of being all independant and being in control. Heehee! Cool!

The only think I do wonder about is if I will make any good friends. I have no doubt that I will find people that I will talk to and maybe hang around with but will I have any really close friends? The kind that I have know that you can be totally natural with? That I can share my obscure humour with? That I can talk to deeply?

I dont know. I know I will always have Tina to talk to on the net but I worry that I will lose contact and closeness woth Kat and Becky. They have been there since the beginning. Kat with our games in the primary school playground.... Becky was my first ever real friend. We have been friends since nursery man! How can I cope without her being there? Its more the thought than anything that it is the end of the era and that we will drift apart no matter what we do. I hope against the odds that that doesnt happen.... Oh man now I can feel myself welling up.....

No. I am good now.

oh......

I will change subject becuase it has got me thinking of the devastation that is results day and us saying goodbye to the certainty of maintaining contact. And what Kat said.... "We wont see each other again after this year" . Does she have that little faith in the solidity of our friendship? Does that mean that she wont bother to try and keep in contact? Jeez! My brother saw his old mates every time he came home from Uni and there is such a thing as the internet! It may have just been a lack of understanding on her part of how easy it can be but it sounded a bit like she was giving up on me already!

I must stop this now. I cant waste my time getting all sad about potential futures.....

Ok. What else?


Hum. I dont really know! I guess there is work....
I have started to enjoy my job more now (have I put this before?). I sometimes even look forward to going! I guess it is because I enjoy the company of a lot of the people I work with. Ooooooooh! I remember something now that I was thinking about on the way home from work oooooh! and something else to that I wanted to write about.

First of all. A slightly massive topic. Why do bad things happen to good people? I have always brushed this question off as something people say in grief that is just a distorted view. After all bad things happen to everybody.... good and bad. You couldn't say that more bad things happen to good people than bad...... but it got me thinking the other day when I was told by lovely Lesley why Amy was off work.

It turns out that Amy's Dad was in a terrible car crash at 60mph and it is "touch and go" as to how he is. "Every moment.... you know" Lesley said and I just thought.... Why!?

Amy is the most adorable little urchin there is! She is so fun and cheerful and bouncy.... the kind of person you just want to be around because their lovely personality is infectious. We are always joking and messing around whilst on the job and we even talk at school - something I never really do with the others that go to Danum. She is one of those rare people that makes you (or at least me!) want to give them a massive hug with a big beaming smile on your face because they just radiate happiness!

I kept on thinking "Dont let him die. She deserves so much better than this pain." then it reminded me of Katie, the lovely manager who seemed to have been devestated by her boyfriend cheating on her with her friend that she had kindly taken in after she had a fallout with her mum. Then I thought of Sue Tattershawl - the smiley science teacher that had a loveing husband and child and suddenly died without warning or any meaning of a sudden heart attack along with her unborn child. Then I thought of Christie - the life and soul of the party at Monte Carlo Beach - the cyber comunity. She died after refusing to give thieves the keys to her car. She threw them down the drain in front of her instead of letting them do something wrong. So rightous and passionate and above all fun and she was struck down by some anonymous criminls for nothing. She even died with good humour. She was nothing but jokes in hosital I was told. Such a waste....

Then I remembered those poor kids that have been killed just outside of school. 5 in the past few years! 5! I was told this by Lucy at school. She told me the reason for all the road alterations and severe punishments for ignoring road safety on that road - so many young lives lost through carelessness....

There is a story that haunted me for a few weeks: the terrible, terrible story of a poor girl. It is an incident that one of the teachers were involved in. A teacher found the poor girl and refused to talk about to anybody. After some alcohol and persistant questioners he told Lucy that he had found the girl with her head completely crushed under the wheel of a car. "He had never seen anything like it" she said. I am not surprised that he couldnt talk about it. Its a wonder people dont go insane when haunted by such horrific images. I mean although Kat seemed unfazed I just kept on seeing the image of a poor girl with a crushed head lying limp and lifeless in the road. I cant walk past that patch of raod without remembering that story.

It really, really freaked me out that something so horrific and terrifying could happen somewhere I go everyday....

Well. I guess I have made my point. All the people I can think of that really bad things have happened to have all been exceptionally nice people. I kindof half wrote a song to the chord sequence I have had for a while on the way home from work. I wanted to call it "Rsndom act of Fate". I know it sounds like tautology but I mean to convey that fate chooses random victims and has no compassion. The words were so angry and heartfelt at the time but I dont think I could ever do the notion justice enough if I put it in a song. I know I will probably try at some point but I dont think I would put it online unless I thought it was some kind of masterpiece.

I was going to talk about something else now but that subjetc is even more morbid and disturbing so I will save it for another time.

I am glad I got that story about the girl off my chest. I neede to get it out so that I could quantify it and make sense of it. It still freaks me out to think about it but... it is better than it was to use a deeply insesitive phrase.

I feel a bit regretful that this blog has turned out so sad. I didnt mean it to. I am actually in a pretty happy and good mood but I guess these things are things that I have been making a mental note to talk about for a while so I guess it all the bad stuff came out at once.

I need to finish this blog on a happy note so..... um.

A joke....

Ooooh!

um....

no...

how bout.....

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were out camping one night. Sherlock said "Watson, what do you make of this situation?" Watson replied "Well, I think that the stars above us are mighty balls of gas that burn billions of miles away. They look like beautiful fireflies on a silky midnight canvas... winking specks from a ceasless horizon.... awe inspiring grandeur that humbles us all.....

"Watson?"

"Yes?"

"Somebody has nabbed our tent."

Again I feel I should write a proper post after going off on one lol.

I have had an interesting few days to say the least. I am still going to bed at stupid hours and then rising grogilly but now I have enterd a massive cannot be bothered state that is starting to alram me.

Like everybody I of course can sometimes not be bothered to do some stuff but this is something else. I usually just procrastinate and think "ah well I will do it at so and so time....." but now I am not even thinking of consequences and planning ahead, I am just not bothering to do stuff.

Take the exams on Wednesday. I ran out of time on both of them. Not badly, I had got nearly everything down I needed but I didn't write conclusions for either exams. The last one I actually got stopped in mid sentence! This has never happened to me before and is worrying me. I sat in the exam room daydreaming, sitting for minutes at a time doing nothing. I lacked that sense of urgency and importance that you usually have in exams. Perhaps my complacency has finally caught up with me...

It does worry me even though they were just resits that I could have done without but hell they were the easy ones!

I guess I know what it is like not to be able to focus like so many other people. I just sat there thinking "Yes! I can go home in an hour!" and then daydreaming about what I was going to do, oblivious to the fact that I was way behind.

I feel I should write more but it is getting too daunting....

On a lighter note, I have started doing really spontaneous and nice things. On Thursday I walked on down to school to pick up some English stuff for my exam. On the way back something just compelled me to take the long and ardous way home through the woods...

I do love Shaw Wood. It has all that magic that a wood should have: the wonder of so many living things crammed into one space, peace and quiet and most of all, a sense of mystery. There are a few paths that lead out of the woods that I cannot for the life of me work out where they go and how they possibly can. The wood is also so big that you can walk for 20 minutes find that you hit a dead end and have to go back. Very cool. Like a mini adventure....

Anyway. I dont not know why I was compelled to lengthen my walk home and cause my already saw heels to develop blisters but I went anyway. I decided that I would rest on a bench that rests by a pond at the edge of the woods overlooking a field on one side and seemingly endless trees on the other. I have come to like that spot after finding it with Tina one day when exploring. I dont think I have ever seen another soul whilst sat on that bench.... I found the bench and sat donw to read my papers I had got from school...

Before I knew it I had given up on the English and layed out on this little wooden bean of a bench, looking at the beautiful pattern of the canopy. I switched my MP3 player onto the playlist "beautiful" and listened to the most subtle, delicate and delightful song I believe I own: "Time Enough For Tears". I just lost myself in the sky and the words of the beautiful song.

#"Lets read the trees and their autumn leaves as they fall like a dress undone....."#

I had a moment of perfection when everything was beautiful. By the end of the song. It was like Andrea Corr was stood by me, speaking the final whispered words in to my ear.... "I know....Its ok....Its ok....."

I walked home in a meditative daze with a smile on my face. A beautiful moment to remember....

I don't know why I have decided to write a blog write now. I don't really have anything to say and am tired. I went to bed at abou 11.30 last night, woke up at 6.20 and am still here at 1.35

Why do I do this? What is the meaning of me staying up till this unearthly hour most nights? I just make myself tired and lose my train of thought about what I will think about when going to sleep.

I guess I am quite scared about my exams starting this week. Having come from the school of winging it ever since I began exams, I find it almost impossible to sit down and concentrate on revising. I really tried last time around and revised sociology properly and politics half decently but then just gave up on it. I guess Enlgish and Media are things you don't have to revise too hard for though...

Its just that as well as not revising at all yet, I have also not had any proper lessons since about December the 20th. I have done little to no school work since then and am starting to get rather fucking nervous if I am frank.

Its just so hard. You go to school all day and then you will come home and have a keyboard lesson or go to Alive TV or go to work. Then you think, I will do it later when I am not tired.... but that never comes because something always comes up. So I end up doing everything last minute and bodging everything. Thank goodness for inherited intelligence. If my parents werent clever I would be screwed!

At least I have experience on my side for resits. I may have forgotten stuff but do now have a much better writing technique than I did this time last year. I also have more background knowledge so maybe it will be ok.

I am not worreid about my English Paper 5. That is bascally a paper designed for wingers laike me. Make it up on the sopt. Great! I really hope I can pass that first time! Sociology will be fine as well I think. I will revise properly for that one... Hey. You know, I don't have any A2 media or politics exams (I just had to check though!) How bad is that? 2 days before exams start and I don't even know what I am taking? And actually, when do I go back? I really don't know! This is so crazy....

Well my last exam is on the 20th. That is 2 school weeks away. Is that enough time for all resits and modules to be taken? lets see.... 2 x 5 x 2 = 20 different exams not including all of the ones that are taken together. Hmm I am not sure then. I hope my last leaves me a few days. I think study leave, I think holiday!

Hey! That is so shite! I have got my 1 1/2 hour english exam after a 1 hour politics. My brain will be frien by then! This does not look good if I want to bump up my grade... I wll just drink coffee or something... At least I am not the poor lass who has to have overnight supervision. I thinks she has to stay at a teachers house. Frankly I am amazed that sort of thing is allowed these days. Teachers get nervous when you are alone in a cupboard with them in case somebody gets the wrong idea.

Well, I guess things are not so bad. The resits are the ones I am worried about and even if I fail them I still have AACC to bulid on. The other two dont seem too bad. I think I will be fine. As I have said before, something always turns up to save my bacon :) I am not complacent, I am well aware that things could go very wrong. Nevertheless, I do seem to have a lot of luck. I like to think of it as good karma. Maybe smiley me at work pays off!

Speaking of work, things are getting a bit wierd there. I am almost looking forward to going to the work these days! I don't mind going at all. It helps when the days are like it was today. It was soooo quiet. I have ever seen it so quiet! I took about £370 on my till all day. It is usually about £1000 on a sunday.

The odd art though is the fact that suddenly everybody is like "oh you are really good at your job!" and it has all come from nowhere! When I started I was shite. REally bad. The other people that started with me were way ahead of me so it seemed. I was always getting stuff wrong. Admittedly I am now much better but I wouldnt put myself above anybody else that I work with. Amy who started about 3 months ago is as good I think. But suddenly the managers are like: "yeah you can have some stars for your badge", "you have got 100% on your OCR", "want to be a staff trainer?", "you would make a good floor manager". All from nowhere and I don't understand how I am better than I was before.

I keep telling them "I don't think I am any better than anyone else? What makes you think I am good?" and they don't really have an answer. I am sure it has all come from that employee of the month/quarter thing which in itself was also a bit wierd.

I read my thing on the wall and half of it was kindof generic and vague: "initiative, hard work" the kind of things that would apply to most people and the rest was a fabrication lol! "No sick days" indeed! I have had 3! Its just that "Mr Bobbins" Dominic Robins doesnt record them haha!

I don't know. Again I swear it is all luck and genes. Although everybody says "oh your being modest" I honestly don't work any harder than anybody else. I probably work less! Just look at these exams. I have done zip revision. I will do a bit of cramming. Rebecca and Kat will do it fairly late but do it properly and get the same or just below what I do. I don't get it..... they are the same intelligence as me. Maybe it is just that my hobbies train up my brain for this sort of thing. Computer games - repetative tasks, reactions, processing information, multitasking and playing music - muscle memory, multitasking, speed reading, applying knowledge, coordination, number processing.... I am sure that these things must do it. What else can it be?

Ah well. I will nor complain. Or try and fight it. I already tried explaining to teachers at HH that I don't HAVE to try hard, thats why I dont deserve atop effort mark. Only Mr Sargeant seemed to get this and gave me a good rather than excellent. Surle excellent means you put in top effort and max it out. I did not do that lol! Apart from in PE where I knew I was crap and so did everyone else. I used to force myself to run around that 400m track even though I have the cardiovascular fitness of a sloth. The others just walked even though they were abut twice as fit as me and they used to get away with it damnit! PE teachers in my experience tend to love the ones good at sport and just get the others by until they can ditch them.

Sometimes I just wanted to scream at Mrs Morrit "I AM bloody trying woman! I am just crap ok?! Do you mind?!" when she would bitch at me for being slow.But instead I would just keep it inside until I could find a suitable vent to air my frustrations later.

Don't you find PE teachers scarliy enthusiastic about sport too? I suppose that maybe it is just because I am a music person and not a sports person. But music is a window to the soul. It is a never ending pot of possibility and innovation. It is art in audible form. The majority of sport is the pointless and irritating display of who is the biggest, fastest, strongest. Who bloody cares? You ever heard of the taking part that counts? Apparently not. ("Your not trying Charlotte!")

Music on the other hand is just a way of expression. The poorest music may not be pleasurable to listen to, but is still a fascinating and valid form of expression. What do you have if you are a rounders player that cant hit a ball? You have a plank of wood in your hand and a sense of embarrasment.

No contest for me. Sport is great if you are good at it. For the rest of us it (or at least me) it is largely an elaborate way of showing off and being self congratulatory.

There are of course some sports that I enjoy. Things like gymnastics, skate boarding, diving and snowboarding are great beacuse they involve creativity and a mind boggling degree of skill. I do find things like the 100m entertaining when it is the olympics because it is fascinating to see a human be the fastest in the world. The rest of the time however they are just frighteningly competetive people that are fortunate enought to have the right biology and spend their whole time essentially going up and down a piece of concrete.

OK. I am going to have to stop this sports rant now as I feel that I could annoy even more people than I already have with my antismoking stuff.

Byeee :)

I feel like writing a blog right now, or maybe just don't feel like writing my media coursework...

Again I am procrastinating my schoolwork. I don't mind the idea of going to school tommorow but I think I will miss the holiday routine I have got in to. Blogging in to the small hours... eating food left from christmas... spending hours just messing around on guitar... getting up at ridiculaous hours to walk with the sunrise to work...

*sigh* You know I think I have settled the score with McDonalds. I seem to have managed to not notice the gradual fading of work problems that I have always had. For a start I no longer feel like the outsider simply working whilst the other people socialise. I walk in to work now and there is barely a person I can pass without saying hi. I have a good relationship with all of the managers now and feel kindof at home there.

Most of all the contempt I have for the company is now largely gone. I still dislike what they do and the fact that they are a massive and money grabbing corporation that cynically make themselves appear as caring in order to get money in tills... but when I think about the corportae scumbags I no longer have the feeling of despairing rage that I used to have... it is now more of an exasperated sigh and an apathetic feeling of disaproval. I guess it is because I have come to see the human aspect of the company. Everybody who works in my store are just nice down to earth people that I really starting to like a lot. They care not for the company just for the satff and customers.

Now my only dislike sits with the few corporate fatcats at the top which decide who dances to what money making tune. But even many of them now seem to me just to be cogs caught in a wheel...

Its like everybody is working so as not to let everyone else down or cause them trouble. Nobody thinks about what they are doing, they just do it cos they need the cash and can't afford to be caught questioning the status quo. You can't blame any individuals really...

Ok. McDonalds goes with things like Smoking, alcohol and religion on my list of things that I cannot blame individuals for but that are bad for the world as a whole.

Well. I will probably write something later but right now I have to write my coursework and a message to Tina. Farewell sparse followers!

,Ok. I can't really be bothered but I feel compelled to write some stuff I have just thought of.

I am currently listening to "ruled by secrecy" by Muse and GOD it is beautiful. Every echoing striking of the bass is giving me shivers. Oooooh here comes the descending, dissonent and sad piano solo. #Change in the aaaiiiiiirrrr and they'le hiiiiiiiiiiiide eeeeeeeeeeevrywheeeeeerrrrre no OOOOOOOONE likes whos in CONTROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#

Sorry I got a bit carried away there but it was just one of those magic moments when the song matches exactly your mood. And THAT song is calm, understated and sad yet heart wrenchingly beautiful. An overlooked gem on mine and everyone elses part of the Absolution album. Matt Bellamy's voice is nothing short of remarkable on that song. His voice is so quiet, almost to the point that it is breaking and the sound wont come out, and yet it conveys the repressed rage and sadness af the lyrics. And all of this just backed up by a bass plucked once every two bars, a simple and gentle 4 beat and drums and antagonistic arpeggios on a keyboard. Absaloute genius.

Somebody once said "The most beautiful songs are sad" and I think that is pretty true. All of the really beautiful songs that I can think of all have a minor tonality and often sad lyrics. Just take "Exit Music (for a film)" by Radiohead. The only song that has ever made me cry. It caught me unawares. I had listened to it several times and it struck as one of the saddest songs I ever heard and rather clever but not too stirring. Then one night I was in exactly the right mood and listened and felt every syllable of the words. Suddenly I was one of the tragic Romeo and Juliette characters depicted calling out in a broken voice : "I hope that you choke". It was a truly moving experience. I just let open the floodgates and cried for these two fictional characters. It was a very odd experience and one that frankly, I don't think I want to experience again with such a bleak and terribly sad song.

I have done it again.It tis 12:45 am and I am listening to a playlist called "beautiful" which translates as sad and melancholy. I know I really need to listen to something with more kick in it but I don't think I would be able to get in to it now as the mood of this music is infectious.

Oh my god I am so sad and I don't know why. It is not a faint dissatisfaction that I normally have when sad but something worse. Its like a feeling of dissapointment mixed with a wierd feeling of innadiquacy that I have had since this morning or before. I empty and I want to cry for no particular reason. Maybe its this sad music, maybe I am just tired, maybe its because I have worked 3 days at mcdonalds and we all know that that place can send me wappy after a while. I don't know. I have been a little dissapointed and dissafected recently for no real reason. Maybe it is my subconcious remembering all of the sad things..... Oh damn it, "Exit music" has just come on and I just know I am in the mood to cry again. I will carry on anyway.

Where was I? Oh yes, maybe it is just my subconcious remebering the sad things yet to come: the moving away from my incredibly close friends that I have never been away from for more than a few weeks before, the fear of moving away on my own, the fear of whether journalism is the right course for me, the dissatisfaction of not yet finding a single person that really feel for that feels for me too so I can have a relationship, the puzzle and apprehension of trying to fit in with people that are very likely to like going out and getting bladdered when I barely drink, the dread of somehow pulling english coursework out of nowhere, the effort of getting a media coursework out, the fear that my grades are going to go down cos A levels are so fucking hard and I will feel like I have really not done enough and regret it for the rest of my life, the fear of money trouble and the nitty gritty of sorting out living space etc at uni..... I am sure there is more. I guess there are just loads of small things that are floating around in my head somewhere - I don't really think about them much if at all but I guess all this shit is bound to have an affect on me.

You know what. I need to get some stuff out of my system. Here goes some heavy shit.

I need to decide on some real big mental decisions, to decide what I want and what is best for me. All of this is mostly to do with one thing. Whenever I have feelings for somebody (which incidentally is almost always extremely inapropriate or unrealistic) I allow myself to put them on a pedestal and simply allow it to become an enourmous crush (or as I have explained in my writing stuff something even more). I then hype myelf up so much that it is like I am stood next to the Pope or a movie star or something when they are in the room. I am like "My god its really them! Think about what you are doing!" Now the real problem lies in the fact that pining after unobtainable, unrealistic and downright innapropriate people takes over. I spend all of my time thinking about these untouchable people that nothing real will ever become of. Of course everybody has a flight of fancy but these spats of worship are stopping me from turning my attention to people that I actually know properly and could have a relationship with.

So here is the decision: Either carry on and hope that one of these pedastalled people ends up happening to be somebody that I actually know and could realistically have a relationship with but face the problem that very few real people catch my attention or, stop and diminish the joy in my life. You may find this wierd but I like nothing more than thinking how great and amazing somebody is. Hell I gush about bands that I like, can you imagine what I am like with people I really fancy? Plus this has been the way of things for such a long time that I dont know if it has become like a part of my personality, a defining feature that I can't just cut out.

Actually I do know. A few years back I did just that and cut out all the irrational crushes I had. I made a mental block and stopped any of the thoughts that I could. It coincided with my really depressed and moody phase which could just be a coincidence of teenage hormones but I am not so sure. It would suggest that I need some kind of escapism every now and again.

I don't know what to do. I do know however that that was more than a bit exposing and I sincerely hope that very few people cast their eyes on it. I know I also may have come across as a strange obsessive manic who mind blocks stuff but, well, I needed to get that stuff out so I don't care.

I am sorry this has been such a depressing read so far but I just needed a vent. And that is just exactly what I want this blog to be. A vent.

Ok. Well. On to more upbeat stuff...

I walked in to work 2 days ago to be asked if I would sty on a few extra hours. I was like: "er, um, i don't know I am very tired. I think I will have to give it a miss". Then the great laugh that is Becky said: "Ooooh, shall we bribe her?...... Lottie. You have crew member of the month!" At this moment I was rather surprised "Oh, right, wow" I was mumbling whilst trying not to let a massive smile beam across my face. I am such a hypocrite! I go on about how McDonalds is so crap and how I hate it and how it is all meaningless and then when they give me an award I get all smiley and dare I say it.... even proud? *shudder* In the end I declined staying on but felt quite good.

Then I went to work this morning and Becky was like: "Oh by the way you have won employee of the quarter" This time my reaction was a little less gracious: "Really? Why?" "Er,You just did" "Wow, thanks". Hehe. I tried so hard not to smile but failed. I got all sorts of questions asked about my hobbies and stuff. Then I fathomed by what Becky was saying that she had entered me for "Employee of the month for the North East of England". I was like "woah there!". I still hadn't the faintest why I had got any of these accolaides. I read the write up and it was basically because I am "always calm and hard to wind up!". Which is kind of cool I think.

I still can't get over the fact that I technically should have been sacked 7 times, have openly told people that I hate the company and am frequently 10-20mins late for my shifts yet they choose to send me to an interview with Big Sam. A scary person indeed. The manager of a big group of restaurants. It is hard to explain why that is a big deal. Its kind of like sending a church goer to see a cardinal in the vatican: one down from the big cheese. I am a little afraid now. Oh well. A cool experience.

Right then. I think I will go to bed now or do some more writing stuff blog.

I know this has been a depressing and then self congratulary entry but frankly I am too tired to care right now. Byeee :)

I figured I should probably write a real blog after that furious rampage. :)

I don't feel very tired despite the fact that it is 11.44pm and I have been on the go since about 9.00am. Probably from all that adrenaline rage!

Well, what has happened recently... oooh yes! I have ordered a guitar from the internet: a Ibanez Jet King JTK2. It is a beauty! I have never seen a guitar like it! I looked through this massive website full of all the guitars from major suppliers and stumbled across this hidden gem. The moment I saw it I went "wow that is gorgeous!". I then looked at the price and saw that I could actually afford it!

I have been toying with the idea of getting an electric guitar for a while. It has after all when I think about it, been my ultimate goal and desire to be able to play great rock guitar. I have always wanted (to quote an Athlete song) part of the rock scene. When I found a way in with Keith, Rick and Stuart in the band we had at HH I played rock guitar on the keyboard. I arrange muse songs on guitar on to my keyboard. I played drums on my keyboard and then learned the drums for real. I have nailed keyboard and drums to a reasonalbe level. I am almost there with bass too. If I could just learn a few scales I would be there.

But whenever I lose myself in dreams, especially when listening to music, I always want to be the frontwoman smashing away on guitar. There is something about a six string that bass only has somewhat. It makes you stand up stright, all powerful knowing that you have this amazing sonic weapon with which you can assault people with fantastic rocking riffs.

I just know that like drums and certainly bass, I have the will, passion and determination to teach myself guitar. I have already taught myself the simple drums and the slightly trickier bass. Now I have a new tougher challenge. Chords I can tell will always be difficult. 4 strings I can handle but it gets difficult to control so finely a pick (which I find difficult to use) across 6 strings of which two I forget the tuning of. I know however that if and when I do master guitar, it will be the best and most liberating musical thing I have ever done.

I can just see it now... dead star not on keyboard, not on drums, not on bass..... but guitar.... The best and most satisfying part of all... yes!

Oh my god my guitar is soooooo coooooooooool!!!

I will try and find a wasy to get a picture on here because it is just stunning :)

It should arrive in 1 or two weeks! :)

Hell you will know when it is arrived! I will be so hyper :D :D :D :D :D



Ok.

Calm down Charlotte.

Phew.

Other news today. I took my General Studies mock exam today : Unit one Arts, media and...culture and.... summat.

The first questions were pretty stupid. You read a passage and then answer 25 ambiguous multiple choice questions in which, frankly the answers seem to be a matter of opinion. The second part was good though. You have 4 essays to choose from and I did about ID cards.

I tried to be objective but in te end I just got all bitter and said that they are just a horrendously expensive PR campaign by the government. It did say outline your own views or somehitng along those lines but I am not sure that that was what they were looking for.

Still. It was actually quite enjoyable. Roll on French paper! How I have missed you....

[n.b. I found a way to put piccies on :) isn't it pretty?] 3rd Jan

I feel obliged to post something on here as I have concentrated on my Writing stuff blog for the last couple of days. I have really found it enjoyable and liberating to put my stuff online as it has made me think about how and why I wrote that stuff, what I was like then, what I am like now...

I do like a good think about myself! I know I keep saying it but I probably am egotistical. Heck even saying I am is being egotistical. It is a sad call out for somebody to say "no your'e not... you are perfect Charlotte in every way and I am in awe of you." before getting out Mary Poppins' tape measure.

I really must stop writing things in the library, it is quite exposing. The guy next to me keeps having a quick look. I don't blame him, I would. Hehe I wonder if he is all awkward now...

Oooh. I felt great yesterday after reading partners. I brought an ace Fighting Fantasy book for my girl Danielle to have a go at. It was a little difficult for her but she was really quite enthusiastic about it for a change which was great. She tried so hard and even fobbed off her mates when the tried to get her attention. I still can't get over the fact that she read a big and dfficult word... it began with a "D". It was something like disproportionate or disapline or disaffected or something. The government is right! Phonetics is the way forward!

Yet again I am going to have to wait around till 4 for Alive TV. It hink Terri is coming today though so I will have somebody to talk to hat I know a bit better than the other random strangers. Don't you hate it when you are the 'new one' that everybody excludes?People don't normally do it out of meaness. They just assume you are quiet I guess and don't tend to mae conversation with you when they are set next to their old mates. Well, its not that bad at Alive TV. I make an effort to talk to people but still feel a littel awkward. I think the other newbies do too though....

I really wish (oooh see the poem "Power of a word") that this blog was more interesting today but I think I am in a slightly apathetic and dissalusioned mood. I just have been realising how much I have to do. There is of course the obligatory christmas shopping which I have been enjoying so far... but now Ants T-Shirt probably wont come before christmas so I will have to order something else and I still have to get something for Grandma, Dan, Lisa and Lisa's B Day and now Keith too as he got me a fantastic xmas/b day pressie in Bomberman. I also have to decide what to do with the pile of PS2 games I want to trade in, do all these bits and bobs of homework that I have wheeldled out of, do some coursework, sort out christmas hours at work and most of all, get this task done for Nottingham Uni.

I understand that they are emulating journalistic deadlines but doing a radio newscast and an essay when you have no decent recording equipment and school and work to think about is asking a little much in 2 weeks. I did wonder whether to not bother after I got that Lincoln offer but I can't half arse uni applications. I want to be ready "just in case" with all the offers I can get. For all I know Nottingham is really good. I only added it because it did my course in this area and wasn't as shite as Edge Hill.

Oh well. I guess I need to see Mr Hester to sort out recording this bloody thing. I need to practise my radio voice too. When it said "Broadcast Journalism" I thought it meant writing for broadcast with the option of actually presenting it, not presenting it with a bit of journalism banged on the side. Still. It is an option I guess.

I can't be bothered to write any more today. I am not being interesting enough.

If you don't have anything to say... son't say anthing.