Fuck.

I have been discussing my Mums lymphedema with her and the district nurse that comes to dress her legs. It cropped up in conversation as I am sure I have heard mentioned before that lymphedema can be hereditary. I have just been researching further what the likelyhood of such things actually are and came across a site that told me everything I wanted to know. It turns out that like diabetes there are two kinds of lymphedema that you can have - one being one got from damadge or trauma to a lymphatic gland, the other something that you are born with after having an abnormality in one of you gene alleles. Here is what I read:

"Lymphedema is the swelling, usually of an extremity, resulting from poor drainage of fluid out of the body's tissues. There are two types of lymphedema. Although the cause is not well understood, primary lymphedema is thought to result from an inherited abnormality of the lymphatic system. Secondary lymphedema is the result of a damaged or blocked lymphatic system caused by traumas such as surgery or injury.

Primary lymphedema has been estimated to occur in about one in six thousand people, more often in females than in males (Dale, 1985). Age of onset tends to be similar within families. Primary lymphedema can be present from birth (congenital lymphedema), symptoms can begin at the time of puberty (lymphedema praecox), or onset can occur in adulthood (lymphedema tarda) (Lewis and Wald, 1984).

Primary lymphedema seems to be inherited in several different ways. Milroy's and Meige's Disease are two forms of primary lymphedema that tend to show swelling below the waist and are dominantly inherited in some families. Milroy's Disease (congenital lyphedema) is characterized by swelling present from around the time of birth. Meige Disease, also known as lymphedema praecox, may appear suddenly around the time of puberty (Wheeler et al., 1981). When the first signs of swelling appear after age 35, this condition is called lymphedema tarda. A recessive form of lymphedema has also been described, as well as lymphedema in association with other traits.

Except for genes on the sex chromosomes, both men and women have two copies of each gene. If only one changed copy of a gene causes a condition, the condition will be inherited in what is called a dominant pattern. If an individual has a dominant condition such as Milroy's or Meige's Disease, the chance of passing the gene to a child is 1 in 2 or 50% with each pregnancy. These odds are the same as getting "heads" in a coin toss.

Dominant disorders are ones that run from generation to generation or are passed along through the family. If a person has the gene for a dominant form of primary lymphedema, there is usually a 50% or 1 in 2 chance of passing that gene on to his or her children. However, not everyone with the gene for this form of lymphedema will actually develop symptoms. Therefore, even if a child does not inherit lymphedema from a parent, he or she may still have inherited the gene and pass the gene that causes lymphedema on to a child. Although we do not yet understand why this "reduced penetrance" sometimes occurs, it is more common in men. In other words, a brother would be less likely than his sister to have symptoms of lymphedema even if they both inherit the same lymphedema gene."

My Mum always had big legs but her condition only really became apparent when she got cellulitus in 1997 and was hospitalised for about 6 weeks. Ever since she has worn compression stockings to help her fluids circulate and not accumulate in her legs. She does appear to have primary lymphadema so I should in theory have a 50% chance of having the gene and a reasonable chance of developing it later in life.

The conversation cropped up after I noted that I have always had chunky legs for no particular reason. I mean I have always packed some and so should have fairly chunky legs. Nevertheless they do seem on the borderline of being disproportionately big for my body fat levels. It is hard to tell really but I have some hellish cankles when my arms are (if I can be immodest) pretty honed and toned. Hmm. I guess I cant really get anything from the anlysis of my legs as there are too many other possibilities such as the fact that my dad has really unusual legs that are bith muscular and really really wide on his lower leg compared to the top. I do of course also have a bit a heffer meat on me in some place lol. Bleh.

I am not going to worry about it as firstly I am still young enough to think I am invincible and secondly because I am always in denoal over these things hehe!

Anyhoo.

You may have noticed that my blog looks a little different and has had some additions. This is because I am now using blogger beta [shameless plug] that is really very good. I can now edit things and add things without screwing up the whole page because I know next to nothing about HTML. I particularly like the new black/silver/red/gold colour theme [see my previous posts about my colour fixation]. There wasnt actually going to be any gold but for some reason the background of my blog title turned that colour and I couldmt for the life of the find the HTML to change it so figured I would compensate by including it in other places too to make it look purposeful!

I tried to look all over to find some cool stuff to stick in my sidebar. So far all I have is a poll that I will change from time to time and a place where I will put a picture of the moment that describes my current place in my life.

I have decided that I should really take care of this blog as it has (rather surprisingly) become a complete success. Not in readership obviously! I mean only Mike and occasionally a person from myspace reads it, but then that wasnt really the reason for me creating it. In fact there wasnt any specific reason for creating this little corner of the net. I was just inquisitive one day to look at these newfangled blog things that everybody seemed to be talking about. It seemed rather exciting to peer into the lives of random people across the globe as they poured themsleves into these little pages or at least left enough brain fluff residue for me to pretentiously contemplate their personalities.

In the end the big "create your own blog" button proved too tempting and I just did it to have a fiddle. I played with the scheme and picked this lovely black one and then wrote my first tentative post, not really knowing what the hell I would talk about or what the point really was. I figured that on online diary would be kindof cool. Maybe I could have a little talk to myself and keep a record of it at the same time rather than talking at the bathroom mirror in times of contemplation and frustration.

As time went on I began to surpirse even myself with the fact that I hadnt got bored yet and that I could easily spend hours just writing my thoughts down. From there it just continued and now here I am writing my 60 somethingth post in about 10 months. Woo!

I really think I should treaure this little space and take care of it so I can look at it in the future. I suppose this is a bit of a record of my life and struggle to grow up and become the person I am going to be for the rest of my life. I have already grown up so much in the past year or so. Can you imagine what it would be like if I was still posting in a few years? Wow! I really hope I dont lose interest and that I can keep this up for many years to come or at least until some rich white man buys the internet and starts charging. Lets face it, unless incredibly Karl Marx was somehow right and there will be a revolution against capitalism, one day somebody is going to find a way to buy this thing. It happened with TV remember!

In other news I have just aquired a Russian E-penfriend called Albina who seems pretty cool and pretty genuine. She loves Muse and Radiohead and paints. We clearly have plenty to talk about! She lives in Ufa in western Russia which I looked up on google Earth before proceeding to blow my mind by zooming so far in on m house I could see my Mum hanging out washing. Yeah it sounds a bit odd but dont you find it wierd that anybody in the world can zoom in to your house and see the exact point in your house where you are sitting? I just sat boggle eyed at the computer going "Oh my god I am sat there now!" Pointing to an area in the roof which was currently above my head.

Perhaps that is all I have to say right now. I think so anyway...
I was about to end on a joke but realised I couldnt think of any really good ones at the moment so instead I will quote a little from "Little Miss Jocelyn" which I am really starting to find hilarious:

MAN: Get on with it!
WOMAN: I am all ready for a funeral! I am already wearing black! All I need now is somebody DEAD! Now who wants to die!!?
MAN: *looks afraid*
WOMAN: [to job centre worker] Could you tell me what else you got?
JCW: Well I am afraid we really arent going to be able to find you anything that doesnt involve people.
WOMAN: Oh I dont mind so long as it doesnt involve my Linford....
JCW: I am sure that will be no problem.
WOMAN: What was that?
JCW: I just said that I dont think that will be a problem [smiles]
WOMAN: Oh I thought you just said that I should cut off his toes and sew them up his spine to remind him of the godzilla lizard that he is!

Raaaaaaaahhhh!

I just typed the first 1000 words of my blog on my road trip with Tina. I got chased around the room by this stupid scary looking bug that I dont even know what it is that kept landing on my face. After that dissappeared a massive crane fly came through the window and set about following me around the room causing me to become a complete girl and run from the room to screams of "Agh! Shit! Shit!"



Eeee I am a wuss sometimes.

Anyhoo I decided to give up hiding from various things with many legs and retire downstairs to this lovely chair in front of the telly where I could blog on in peace. This was no mean feat. I had to creep like Sam Fisher on my front across the room to unplug the power and get the switch without disturbing the daddy long legs, looking the whole time at the floor so that in the case of it moving I wouldnt freak out and run from the room squealing waving my hands around like a big wet lettuce. Whilst gathering various pieces of computer equipment it began chasing me again causing me to leap through the door whispering various swear words so as not to wake my mum up. Eventually I got downstairs after having some trouble making the wire long wnough for my modem to reach the port under the stairs. I sat down with my laptop on my knee and opened up the lid, it having been partially closed during the running away like a brownie.

Oh dear I thought as I opened it.

It had been resting at just the right angle to do the most bloody annoying thing this laptop is capable of. If left for several minutes in the almost closed position, the screen turns itself off and does not turn itself on again without rebooting the whole shebang.

Bugger.

My words were lost and so I felt it appropriate to vent my angers on here.

I have been getting very annoyed at innanimate objects recently. It is surely from the ammount of household tasks I have been doing that always infuriate me when little things go wrong. For instance as I made myself a frappoccino about an hour ago, I found it necessary to say "FUCK YOU!" to the mixer that sprayed the mix all over my front for no apparent reason after doing the same yesterday. I have made quite a few frappos before this with no problems but now for some reason the mixer sees fit to chuck it down me and all over the kitchen top.

Perhaps more worryingly I have started growling with genuine anger at random objects that cause me similar annoyances. The washing line being a current favourite. I really hope other people out there do the same and that I am not too weird. Mabye.....

I think I will just post today a regular random post as I reallt cannot be bothered to rewrite what I have just lost. It was an effort to do it the first time to be honest as I know it will take a long time to write about what me and T managed to cram into 4 days together. It was madness!
Perhaps that is for the best actually as I could do with waiting until I have pics off Tina and my phone that I took with this blog in mind during our escapades.

I suppose I should expect myself to talk about uni stuff but at the moment I really cannot be bothered. I am tired with the whole thing and just want to go and start my course. Sod freshers week I want to be a journalist!

I am slightly worried by the noises coming from upstairs. Mum is snoring interspursed with really long pauses and what sounds like moaning and talking. It bothers me when mum does that in her sleep. It can be quite disturbing...

Ah yes. Sad news this morning. Animal expert, presenter and all around madman Steve Irwin has sadly died after being stung in the heart by a stingray. A real loss I am sure you will agree he was truly passionate about what he did and will be missed. Everybody I know was sure he would one day be eaten by a crocodile. I guess its kindof ironic that you spend your whole life being bitten by extremely poisonous snakes and fighting crocodiles only to be stung by a fish that is largely dosile and friendly. Poor bloke.

The wierd thing is that about a week ago I was talking to Tina and said "I dont know if I dreamed it but I heard that Steve Irwin has died". It was an odd thing to think as I never really watch his shows and hadnt heard wnything of him for quite some time. It does seem quite odd but then its not the first time these little things have happened. They might just be coincidence but as all humans do I cant help but feel that there is something in it as ridiculous as that is.

It sounds really stupid but I did dream that Tinas Guinea pig died the night before Tina came to school and said that one of hers did. Not quite as unusual but along the same lines I guess. Tina even more wierdly had a dream that a space shuttle crashed into the moon and blew up the night before the shuttle Columbia blew up. Again it must be coincidence but sometimes reality is stranger than fiction.

I think that will be all for now

byeeee

I wrote this entry last night as it was too late to go on the netty but I felt obliged to write something. I guess was in a very pensieve mood to make working at McDonalds into a metaphor of personal growth! God I was a bit gushy wasnt I?

Well even if it is a load of poo it did come from the heart at the time - and how! It is about 2000 words long. My goodness I wrote more in an hour than I managed to write for my English project at AS. :s

Hehe. Well here it is anyways:


I recon today is actually the final day of my childhood.

It just makes so much sense...

Today I have severed the final tie that binds me to the life I have lived here in Doncaster for the past 18 years. I am talking of course about finishing my last shift at my job at McDonalds today. It was a strange shift actually with me having the unusual job of window 2 - the money taking window at which usually only newbies and spare parts are chosen to do the job. I guess that is kind of symbolic of the way of things there. We are all but little seedlings to begin with lost within the great expanse of the earth, thrown in at the deep end with not a clue of what to expect, what to do, what to take in, what to ignore, what to become. We are pointed in the direction of the surface by the more experienced people, but the journey itself is only one you can make on your own.

Every moment you are there you take in tiny details - exactly how many millimetres to move your hand to stab in £20.00 in one swift movement, adding or taking an extra word in to your set customer repertoire for maximum efficiency, trying out new ways in which chunks of information can be recalled in bigger and better ways, figuring out which rules are there to be kept and which are simply formalities. Every little bit of what you do you take in and use and so working there becomes the sum of your experience. We who have done this week in, week out can give the new seedlings pointers but there is so much to take in it is simply not possible to pass your knowledge on and so on my last shift I was assigned something simple to do. Perhaps to allow myself to feel like I have achieved something, to remember how far I have come from the meek and lost little soul I began as.

I don’t think I made a single mistake today - surely a record in itself. I even spotted that a £20 note was fake - something I have never faced before. The shift was strangely easy and quiet for me. Things just looked and felt different somehow. As I saw the tears welling in Kirstie’s eyes I began to wonder why that was. Was it that she was simply frustrated at the things going wrong on the job for her - after all we all get emotional on shift when there is so much pressure and one thing after another goes wrong. I wondered if perhaps she was upset on that level but also because she knew that this is what her life had become, and perhaps what it always would be. After all she is at uni but that so often does not help out the managers at McDonalds and they end up just keeping their jobs where they are. Maybe she was crying for the future, maybe for the present or maybe for the past that she looked back on so fondly. Maybe she just had a moment in which she could see where her life was going, straight down the line, on a train she cant get off if she leaves it much longer.

Maybe it was just something else. I guess I will never know.

What I do know is that the past few weeks have been the most bizarre and extreme of my life. Everybody and everything looks so different as to how it did just 2 months ago. My life is like a new life - like I am on the path to the life I have always wanted, becoming the person I always wanted to be. What does it do to a person when everything a person has ever known - their whole way of life suddenly ends after 16 years? Since the age of 2 at nursery it has all been about learning - understanding, preparation for something bigger - infant school, junior school, secondary school, sixth form, university. Everything is just a step to the next thing. Learn, test, succeed, repeat. It is the life I know and the life I am accustomed to and now that is just not there any more.

They say you don’t grow up till you leave home and I think they are right. How can you know who you are until you have no constraints and no responsibilities to hold back who and what you are? I think that is where I am now.

Its like fate has made the transition for me - as I came towards the end of my school life and had nothing to challenge me, to keep me ticking over from late June to late September, fate saw fit to deal me a helping hand in an ugly disguise. My mother fell ill and suddenly I had so many new challenges to face. For the first time I was the one in control. I truly had the responsibility of others and myself.

My Mum in her illness became dependent on me for the first time which at first I found very shocking and upsetting. Then as my Dad had to go away to work I had to assume responsibility for all the things I had never even had a taste of before. Firstly I was truly responsible for myself for the first time - of course I don’t answer specifically to anybody. My parents have always granted me generous amounts of choice and do not breathe down my neck at all. I do of course have to bear them in mind daily by coming in at a sensible time so as not to disturb them, keeping things in places where they wont get in the way for them, not doing things that would make them worry excessively about me. The moment my Dad left the drive in his car that was gone. I would look after myself and answer only to myself for the first time ever. A liberating thing indeed.

I assumed responsibility for my lovely cats Ollie and Oscar. Suddenly I couldn’t just pet them when I felt like it, I was in the thick of it cleaning up things that before I didn’t have to imagine, dealing with mangled animal corpses, getting up early so that to feed them and let them out and worst of all getting them inside at night, God that was a challenge! You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get a cat through a door if they didn’t want to come inside. I resorted several times to leaving trails of treats, sleeping in the living room with the patio door open and a sword in my hand just in case or simply grabbing them and taking a good clawing.

The housework was certainly an eye opener but a good one. I now love ironing - there is nothing quite as therapeutic as gently working out the creases in a piece of clothing and thus restoring it to perfection, especially when listening to your favourite songs with the bass on full, rattling your teeth and singing like a banshee!

I guess most importantly I was left in charge of Mum. Of course she can look after herself but I am sure that having me or anybody come and visit her when she was feeling truly terrible must have helped her out. I was now a commuter as well!

In all I actually enjoyed my new lifestyle being a full time housewife, mother to two mischievous little cats and taking care of my Mum. It was really very liberating. I love independence and that was it in its purest form.

I also discovered just how brilliant all of my friends are. They were all so supportive but also stepped back and left me loads of space for me to just do my own thing. Spending so much time with Keith was certainly an eye opener. I really got to know him so much better, like I used to and we are now really great friends again rather than the occasional recro buddies we were becoming.

Man I love all of my friends so much. In fact I just want to thank them all right now!
Tina - you and me can talk about anything in the world and you know that I would climb mountains for you matey! You and me really are two peas from the same pod even if we didn’t realise it before! Peace to you imzadi.

Keith - You are my rock. You always go out of your way to help me and everybody else out and you are so damned funny! You are my 3rd bro! Could anybody else really just end up living at my house for 5 days without us noticing?

Kat - You know me so well you often know me better than myself! You always see through the façade and can tell what I am thinking, which although can be scary you always say exactly what I need to hear. You tell it like it is when nobody else is brave enough but you are never cruel. You give me a metaphorical slap when I need to come down! Thanks for being so honest and so supportive.

Scott - I haven’t known you long, but in this short space I you have been really supportive and a great laugh. You aren’t just Kats boyfriend I consider you one of my close friends and really like spending time with you. Although you sometimes go into more detail than I would like in some areas (heehee), I love your honesty and generosity. Thanks :)

Mike - Don’t you just love the internet? Without it I doubt you and me would be good friends! I know you probably think that our conversations are a bit one directional but that is not true at all. All of the things that worry you worry me too, and by attempting to give you advise you confront my demons . You always listen to what I have to say even when I talk shit. Who else reads my blog regularly! I really value you as a friend as you are always there for me when I need to talk. In fact, by listening to my moans and by reading my blog you probably know a side to me that maybe nobody else does. Thank you :)

Becky - Although you missed a lot of what has happened to me recently, you still have provided me all the support you possibly could. You offer me support in a different way that other people often forget. When things get tough, you always need a sense of normality and some stability. Without this, how could we keep going? I remember when things got tough for you a couple of years back you told me that you just wished people would stop treating you differently and let you keep going and working through your pain and I really empathised with you. Thanks for doing the same for me J you are my oldest friend and so you know me in ways that other people cannot. Thanks for sticking with me all these years :D

I love you all guys so much!

I will stop this sentimentality as it seems like a letter of goodbye and it isn’t. I wont let it be.
To come full circle, I think today was the last day of my childhood as not only have I left my last responsibility outside of my family, my Mum should (fingers crossed) be out of hospital tomorrow to make the rest of her recovery at home and thus that concludes that challenge.
I feel like I have grown up now, that I have life experience. People have commented that I seem more confident, more independent. I feel I have more perspective. I guess it just shows in the little things. I know I certainly surprised a few people at work a couple of weeks ago when I started speaking my mind more and being assertive. I guess when your work is just a small part of your life you treat it as such.

I am ready now for life. Before I thought I could do it. Now I know I can. If I can just keep in this mindset I know that I can go far in my career and achieve everything I want to achieve.

Farewell childhood. You have been a beautiful adventure full of little joys.
Enter life, what shall be an epic journey mine for the shaping…

Lets do it. Lets live.

Blah blah blaaaaaaah blah blah

Sorry, just felt like doing that for some reason...

Well much has happened since my last post - Me and Dean are together, Mum should be out by the end of the week, I have developed a strange liking for ironing, I am now in the rock night band full time (now named the Loose Cannons) and have an upcoming paid gig (paid woo!) at the Park Hotel in town and today I went to Tae Kwon Do for the first time after intending to go for years.

*Breath in*

Full couple of weeks then!

Well I guess I should start with the Tae Kwon Do as it is that that may stop me from completing todays blog! Tina phoned me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go with her and Peter her brother so I just said yes. And why not?

I arrived today to see some people hard at work through the window. We went inside and talked to the receptionist who pointed in the direction of the people working away and said "Just go on in and join the class". Oh my.

We warmed up for a fair while doing jumps, squats, situps, stretches, pressups and running - lots and lots of running. Me and T and Peter too were completely bushed by this point as were several of the older women. Luckily we got on to learning some simple moves.

I now know jabs, hooks, uppercuts , straights, backhands, straight and roundhouse kicks. How fun! Unfortunately for us three, when it got on to training with pads it was continous training for everybody! We had to line up in two lines facing the two instructors with pads. The teacher showed us a combination he wanted us to do on the pads - the person at the front hit the pads and the rest of us practised in time until he shouted "CHANGE"! At this point we all had to drop and do some evil exercises like 5 press ups or 3 squat thrusts and move forward so the next person got a go on the pads. That was kindof it really. The instructor seemed impressed with mine and Tinas roundhouses. Tina had done a couple of lessons before, I however have learnt everything I know from Tekken and thought best not to say so!

I was knackered! Hehe!

It was actually really enjoyable even though us three were aching too much to walk without complaining loudly. And I was sooo hungry afterwards! When me and T went to Tesco for some pasta sauce I was eying up the sandwhiches on the conveyor belonging to a buxom blonde woman! haha

My ankles are still pretty wierd. They have the "good" ache about them - you know when you have exercised and you feel the burn afterwards that tells you there is gonna be some muscle growth overnight. Damn those pivoting roundhouses! hehe

Anyhoo I should be going back on Thursday all being well :)

Me and T had an interesting chat the other night in her car. She had just taken me home and we were having the best chat in ages about everything - you know the deep stuff :) In the end she just parked up and we ended up talking for about 3 hours without noticing, that is surely a personal record... Anyway we were both pretty tired so we were talking with our seats tilted right back like beds. It was cold outside so the windows were steaming up and me and T kept on laughing - mostly at T's feet that kept on peeping the horn accidentally heehee. Tina was wearing tan coloured short shorts and was resting her legs on the steering wheel...

You should have seen the look on the blokes face that walk past hahaha! I dont think any explanation is necessary... Needless to say me and T just laughed harder making the suspension wobble further...

Me and Keith went to look at synths the other day as we decided that that should be our first band purchase after a PA. We found a MicroKorg in Electro that was just... imense

It was the damn coolest thing I have layed my hands upon in a long long time. In a few button stabs I was making well ace noises that sounded like the Sugarbabes or the Eurithmics or something. Sooo ace. And the thing that made it uber uber ace was *drumroll* a VOCODER!!!

WOWOWOWOWOW! Get it! Get it now!

For those of you that are not techy freaks allow me to explain. A vocoder is a voice changer that allows you to sound like a robot, like you are underwater, like you are on helium, quite literally anything you want as analogue synths can quite genuinely create ANY sound. I cannot tell you the feeling of elation as the synth burped back at me in a robotic voice "KEEEEIIIITH IIIIS GAAAAY!" Oh the childish hilarity! I want one soooooo much it hurts! Just the things the band could play with that thing... It would be the best. Oooooooh!

Other musical news - I have all of the Muse scores back that I lost when the hardrive of my last OC blew up, and when I say all I mean ALL. I now have the score to every song off Muse's first 4 albums *swoon*. Yay! I can now divert my time once more to learning the best songs to play on guitar and KB yay! I also learnt Supermassive Black Hole today which is a great song. If I havent already mentioned it I have TICKETS FOR MUSE ON THE 18th NOVEMBER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Sorry bout the caps there but I think it is necessary to outline just how amazing that is going to be. Put it this way, the first time I saw Muse live on TV at Glastonbury I sat there and time and time again kept on saying "oh my God that is so fucking ace!" to myself at 1 in the morning - no mean feat. It was so mind bendingly amazing it was all I could think about for days. I subsequently bought their Live DVD despite the fact I already had half of the songs on their corresponding live CD and oh my God that is too the work of genius. Absaloute perfection. Matt Bellamy is a Guitaring God.

So seeing them live is quite probably going to be (and I say this with no irony) the greatest moment of my life. As one Muse fan once wrote after seeing them "the clocks turned back and the year returned to zero, it was THAT good". I think they will probably be right. After all I was high for days after seeing The Corrs and even though they were brilliant and I love them to bits, Muse are in another league of amazingness. Again and again they pull it out of the bag and become even better. Their latest album "Black Holes and Revalations" is absalutely bloody brilliant!

My God I am a Museaholic....

Well I think that will do for now as an update and heap of praise (again) hehe.

Farewell for now :)

Well I think this will be a brief round up of stuff as I havent blogged for ages. Maybe I will do it in bullet points to make it a bit quicker:

• I played the rock night gig and it was proper ace! Probably better than one I have done before - the crowd were up and bouncing - even moshing much to the distaste of Jarvis who made a quite excruciating lecture on seat jiving. I think our ace frontman Luke has videod it so I will try and get a copy and stick it on here so you can all lookie yay!
• Mum isnt very well and wasnt when I did the post on "highs and lows" but she is much better than she was. She looks like she should make a full recovery though so fingers crossed.
• I spent the last two weeks on me todd hence the lack of blogging - I was too busy getting all domesticated hehe. I now rather enjoy washing and ironing and dont mind tidying up. Thinking about it i ay i wa on my own but i think i only spent 2 or 3 days on my own. Friends have visited mot days and Keith came and lived for a bout 5 day hehe! It was a very good experience actually I think I have gained a lot more responsibility. I have decided to see it as a right of passage now I have left school :)

Thinking about it that is basically the last two weeks! Hehe. It has all gine pretty quickly because I have been kept busy :)

Well thats all for the quick update at the mo, post more later.

Byeeeeee

#What a difference... a day makes...#

My god. What a bizzarre 24 hours filled with massive highs and some pretty fucking deep lows. I don't know how much I want to write about the lows today. It might be one of those things that I just need to deal with on my own and make sense of it before i can talk to other people about it. I still feel kinda.... empty. I guess I am just very drained today physically, mentally and emotionally. Really emotionally...

Well.
Lets start at the start.

After posting a blog at about 9 last night, I minced around on the net till 11 in the knowledge that I had done exactly zero revision for the double politics exam i had in the morning. I had been all blazé about it completely ignoring the feeling in the back of my mind that was saying "This is your hardest exam. You know you have to revise for it." To put my mind at rest I made myself go to bed at what is currently an early time 11pm. I intended to get up at about 6 or half past to do a bit of revision. I asumed I could do it all, after all I had revised the entire Sociology of Religion syllabus and typed it up in note form in three hours the other morning just before my exam (much to the annoyuance of Becky) and the exam went really well. But as I was in the bathroom doing my nighttime routine I got thinking (as I usually do).

The past 14 years of my life have been sent in schools learning so that one day... I can get a nice job and live happilly ever after. Everything you ever learn goes into your final set of exams. For some people that is their GCSEs but for me and lots of other people it is my A levels. As I progressed through my A level years my effort level has dropped lower and lower until I was doing the bare minum necessary to get thorugh without any incident. This suited me fine up until about that moment. My life was beginning to feel empty and without any real purpose or direction. I was drifting, not accomplashing. I had become lazy and was going to make the whole of those 14 years into a bit wet limp across the finish line. I began to think about what would have happened if if I did my exams differently. Would I glow with pride knowing hta I had done my best? I didn't know. It is not since the days of Yr9 PE that I had felt that in school. I had never needed to really push myself. I have always been lucky enough to have had the genes and the social background to do well. I mean both of my parents are clever as are my brothers there has to be something in the genes there and my social characteristics...

We learnt about what characteristics make you the most likely to succeedd in school. It was like a ticklist of me! White, girl, Middle Class, live in a nice area, I have been to the top state schools in Doncaster - Edenthorpe Hall has recieved top marks from OFSTED on several occasions, Hungerhill gets some of the best GCSE results in Doncaster and Danum 6th form is so good that Universities actually know the school!

So I guess I never really had to try because it was all there for me already. Don;t get me wrong, it isn't that I have coasted all these years beacuse I didn't. I do pay attention in class and so my homework but I never really gave school that extra 10% than I put into stuff that I do for myself like learning new instruments and drawing and stuff.

I sat in the bathroom and thought. "What if..." I wondered what would happen if for these last 3 days I worked to the max and really realised my potential. If I really wanted to I just knew that I could pull out something special and get some damn fine results that I could be proud of rather than just acknowledge as expected.

My mind drifted to what I wrote ages ago in this very blog about not wanting to just drift through but.... blitz it! Do it as damn good as I could and really be happy with the result. Then my mind drifted to something wonderful that Mrs Lucy Pond - a drama teacher at Hungerhill said to me and the whole production team just before the performance of a lifetime in Bugsy Malone. She said...
"I want you to imagine that within us all is a flame.... this flame is a little flicker in your tummy. Now when you go out there and perform that little flame will turn into a ball of fire and you will act harder than you ever have before. You will all give the best performance you have ever given and feel fantastic afterwards. Now.... go out there and do it."

Those words have stayed with me ever since that cast did the most amazing performance I have ever seen. Everybody was so good that they did everything spot on and then added little bits here and there that just made the performance fabuulous. Even me on the dinky school keyboard did a flawless performance and I was so crap in the stageband!

Those words are what originally made up my mind that I wanted to be a journalist. Whenever I think about it I can feel that flame in my tummy and at that moment as I sat in the bathroom, it became a blazing ball of fire.

Suddenly from nowhere it was like I was a different person. I became super assertive and awake and booted my ass in gear. I grabbed my school file of hundreds of messy scribbled noted of no order and tipped them on my knee. I spent the next hour and a quarter sorting out the politics notes into 8 highly organised piles and disgarding the others on the floor. At the end of the evening at 12.20 I had 9 piles of notes organised into subject that I could grab at 6 the next morning and type up into some brilliant notes. I had arrived again! I was back in the zone!

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I woke up this morning at 5.51am after dreaming that I had forgotten to take my sheets with me to an English exam and panicking. I woke up feeling strangley good for that time of the morning and went downstairs to make a massoff coffee and, unusually, some breakfast.

I cannot even remember the last time I had breakfast. Usually I feel sick if I get up before 6.30 and dont really feel like eating anything until at least 10am. Today however I was actually rather hungry so I made myself a bacon and cheese bagel and the most ridiculous coffee ever divised by man (two heaped spoonfuls of Kenco extra rich, one teaspoon of drinking chocolate and two sugars!), I figured I really needed a rush whether it be caffeine or sugar or in this case, both :)

I managed to get about half of the revision done before I began listening to my Dad downstairs. He seemed to be on the phone to what sounded like the Doctors. I guessed it must be Mum as she had looked a bit ill as I had passed her on the way to the shower. I thought it must be something quite ba as my Mum never goes to the doctors ever. Its like a thing our family has, you have to be on deaths door before any of us go to the doctors. We consider it a waste of time as unless its an emergency, whatever you have has cleared up by the time you can see the doctor.

I was slightly concerned but for some reason put it to the back of my mind. I am not really sure why as usually I would have been really worried. Maybe it was because I had really begun to focus on the exam and my revision. Well I figured that something was wrong but I knew it wasnt too bad as I had heard Mum having a conversation with Dad. Before I knew it Dad was calling me so I could get a lift. "thats ok" I thought "If I grab the rest of my notes I can read them in the car and outside the exam room". The car journey took 5 minutes and despite the fact I arrived 15 minutes early, I was one of the last to arrive. We started straight away.

I remember feeling a certain amount of confidence but also a lot of nervousness. This was the exam that would dictate my future. It was the exam that I was most likely to drop grades in and maybe not scrape what I need for Sheffield. I could tell that I had treated this exam as important as I has on all my lucky trinkets and usually I limit them to one exam each! I had my chinese luck earings on, my lucky stripey socks and most importantly of all - my special pendant.

My pendant is no ordinary pendant. You may think I am cuckoo but that doesnt matter... Whether real or just an effective mind trick, I concentrated some of my positive feelings into the pendant when i was tripping over myself concerning they who shall not be named [see my writing stuff blog]. By putting all my positive psi (see www.psipog.com if you are confused) I now have happy feelings on tap when I hold the pendant in my hand. Brings me luck and good karma :)

Anyhoo. The first paper was a gift and went really well - better in fact than all of my ones done in class. The second one went pretty well too only one question was really tricky and everyone found that tough. So there ya go. I suddenly snapped into pushing myself forwards and doing this thing right! Woo!

I would love to continue this but the other half of today will have to wait as I am rather tired and have to do it all agin tomorrow.

Good fry! :)

I did it. I asked out Mr GSOH!

I was suffieciently tired and spaced out to just go for it. I was talking to him after I had finished my shift and thought - "If I dont do this now I dont think I will ever get around to it. What am I afraid of? He could only say no. Do it! Do it now!"

So I did :)

You know what he said?


"Maybe...."

Hmm. Is that a maybe yes bout you caught me off guard, maybe no but I dont want to say no and watch you crash and burn or simply a maybe? I am not too sure. I told him to think about it and get back to me.

I was strangely calm outside of my comfort zone actually. I am known as the passive one who lets others do their thing and I just watch from the side lines. Getting out their and just asking somebody out really wasnt as hard as I thought, more girls should do it! On the other hand it means I run the risk of meeting "old Charlotte" again. What a heap of complications that is!

The thing is, as I got older I became more passive and less het up about the things that most people get bothered about. I became more mellow and I think it is an antidote to the way things used to be. As a kid I was incedibly big headed and thought I was the bees knees. I was bloody annoying basically. As I got to HH I found out that the world was not at my feet permanently and that not everybody will like you right away. Especially if you are a geeky, podgey kid with stupid hair and a superiority complex.

I gradually learned some humility and began to get along properly with everybody, not just the few people I used to know. As a result I became more placid and unwilling to assert my authority on anything that didnt really matter as I just come across as big headed. I have tried having little confident spats evey now and again. I dont think I am big headed but I cant be sure. What I do know is that when I act confident people percieve me as big headed whether I am or not so... I prefer to keep being passive.

This is partly why taking control and getting out of my box makes me uncomfortable - because I know that if I go the whole hog and behave how I feel comfortable when being confident, I blag peoples heads and get on their nerves!

Meh. Oh well I will find a balance.

Ooooooh!

The Rock Night is go! Woooo! I thought it died a death after I heard nothing for ages but it turns out that everything has a big fat green light over it. The lead guitarist Kieran is A-MAZING! He bangs out Slash solos as if they were a Nirvana Riff! Everything is so effortless to him despite the fact he is lightning fast! Adam Docker is the Rhythm guitarust and he gets some lovely tones out of his guitar. If only he and Keith would practise properly we would be awesome!

Where do I fit in? I am not sure. So far I have only used the school drum kit which is an absolute piece of...... anyway it is not in a good way. All the heads are splitting, the snare sounds like a rain stick and the hats dont go "tch" they go "TAH!" awful. I really thought my kit was poor until I listened to it. *shudder*. I mean they spend thousands on PCs that they dont need for kids to do no work on and pull the keys off but spare the music department a couple of hundred to make theor kit into a respectable sonic instrument and the board go all moany. Stupid old...

Anyways I have only played the school kit and my keyboard (tone 192 - Drum Kit 2!) along wiht the band so I couldnt tell you how well I am doing. Heres hoping though, after all I have never played drums with a band before, just me CD player and I aint the one that has to keep the time with my CD player!

I havent met the singer yet but I am told by Keith that he is really good - and Keith is sparing with his praise! He must be good!

Well, I must cut this short and dash as Mum needs to disconect me so she can put the cats to bed. Later :)

I finished that essay. Eventually.

I got to bed at 12.30am and then couldnt sleep because of this stupid buzzing in my head. I am sure I have tinnitus. Meh. It isn't so bad.

I nicked off with my Dad's pillow speaker and listenened to Nick at Night to get to sleep. It worked too!

Oh yeah, I managed to find a prezzie for Mum too! Play.com I salute you!

Oh man. I am sat in the School Library starving because I got up late. On a table the librarian has left out a pile of gorgeous looking scones and coffee. Mmmmmmm.

I am sure the librarirans are evil. Just look at the signs they put up: Place your BAG under your table, your COAT on the back of your chair. I mean really. People can read without having to make the key words of the sentance highlighted in green bold capitals. To say they are librarians they sure do shout a lot.

Heck I have a lesson soon. Maybe I will write some more tonight.

Nah.