Er, hi.

I could add a comment here about how long its been since the last post, but I am sure you know how that goes by now. As usual I completely forgot this thing existed and when I occasionally thought "hmm, maybe I should write something..." when something interesting happened then I had a new problem - "Ooh better not put that, someone might see!"

Haha! Yeah I am getting a bit worried about prospective employers and other people who hold my career and paychecks in their hand disagreeing with some of my opinions (and possibly my complaining loudly about colleagues and my job) so I have decided to keep schtum just in case.

So what is different from July?... Hmm.

I am sure practically everything but its sort of hard to know when it has been so long! One thing I definitely have to mention is that I plan on buying myself a christmas present this year : )

I meant to get it last year, but money was a little tighter and so the money I got for christmas went in to the bank because I felt guilty about spending it! But this year? Oh nononononono![Churchill face]

Despite the fact that we are in the beginnings of a recession, and that by the end of my uni years I am supposed to be super broke, I actually have more money now than I have ever had! Not even counting the money from parents for tuition fees, all my hours at Mcwork and my general tight fistedness means I had enough money to live on for the year in September! In fact I completely forgot that Mr Brown is very kindly giving me £3000 this year! As a result I am having driving lessons now, have been on 3 holidays this year (on a shoestring naturally - I do have Yorkshire and Scottish blood), and have developed a taste for sushi and Sakushi - the local japanese sushi bar. My bank balance is still going up. A lot!

I think its time I got myself a treat : D

and so...

"Errr. Its a little keyboard with a lamp on it."

Noooo! It is TEH KOOLZ! It is called a Microkorg and it is awesome. A little synth, complete with vocoder (voice changing capabilities) and look at all the twiddly knobs on it! Squeeee!

I have actually wanted one of these for years, I love the technical geekery of keyboards anyway. I have to be the only person in the world that bothered to use the synth feature on my trusty old Casio WK1800. While others were round town blagging their way into clubs and discovering the interesting things you can do with solvents I was fine tuning the decay envelope of tone T202. No I wasn't somebody with a whole lot of street cred in my school...

Anyhoo I have developed a bit of a taste for electronica in recent months. Ladytron are a great band that I ended up going to see live at the new Carling Academy (The old Roxy Disco) in the city centre. In the words of Simon Cowell, they had the charisma "of an onion". Luckily their songs are awesome and being electronic, their songs are best heard live when the dirty low waves make your chest cavity vibrate - you can quite literally feel electronic music. I can't wait to be doing the same with my groovy little Korg. I should start thinking about names...

I am also totally obsessed with Robyn's most recent album. Its been over a year since I have bought any music, let alone an album which probably says a lot about how much I wanted it! I haven't been this into an artist for a long time so its great to feel enthusiastic about music again. Also, her haircut is ice cold.

Speaking of which - my hair is currently cosmic blue! Its not nearly as blue as it sounds, in fact its more black with a blue rinse, I can assure you that the dye itself is very blue. I dyed the bath, the tiles and myself blue for several days. Hell when I was rinsing the stuff about of my hair, it left blue streaks all the way down me where the runoff had been! At least it covers the pink from Megan's hair history....

Well despite the brevity of the this post I had better go. It is 9pm, I am in the library after a long day selling burgers, it is nearly christmas and for once I need to stop being such a bookworm.

Hopefully I can write something more around christmas, but I had better not make any promises...

My tat was a heated rant the other day wasnt it? I think I am a bit more calm or just plain docile today. I apologise in advance for any spelling mistakes or typoes but for some reason my comp is stuck in overwrite mode in all programs and Lord knows I ain't typing this whole dang think out again just because I missed a letter!

*sigh* I just tyed all that paragraph again cos I made a mistke. And now I see that I missed the "H" out of that. Haha. Oh well.... Now you get to see how many mistakes I make after learning fast typing from Mavis Beacon. Hehe. I feel the need to keep putting lol because I am talking to Nick at the same time as writing this on MSN. Kindof spoils the thinking out loud thing though dont you think? It is good for a functional chat with a mate when speed is the most important thing to get your ideas across but... when I have all the time I want to write something like this I like to do it "properly". Full words seem to have more character. I guess you also use a better range of words. I seem to communicate most replys with "lol", "groovy" or "cool" on MSN! Oooh that excamation mark was a mistake. It makes that sentance remind me of a text book trying to be fun but failing miserably. Hehe. I guess that sounds kindof strange to everybody but hey. Welcome to the wonderful mind of me! Damn I did it again! And again! Jeez this is turning in to Monty Python. Next paragraph Charlotte....

Christ I am really typing everything I am thinking today. I am conscious of the fact that many people may find me wierd right now. I can see that I am in one of my funny moods. Interestingly it seems to have coincided with one of my inspirated and ready to write moods. Look out. Another appalling funk pop ditty may emerge. They are fun to write but I could never ever pass one of them off without looking a complete wally. I mean. Rock I can't really do but if I tryed hard enough I think my intense thoughtfullness might come through. Pop though. Meh. I have neither the look or the presence to carry it off well.

I have begun to wonder about my presence. (Haha! No not my smell!) Sometimes I feel really powerful and solid. Unshakable, ambitious and ready for the world and anything that comes at me. But equally sometimes I feel uncomforatble and conspicuous and kind of geekishly.... I cant think of a word. But like one of the people that everyone is nice to but knows that they are a bit awkward and well.... geekish.

I know I used to feel that a lot at work. I was the quiet frekly one with the shiney nose and frekles as I seem to be the only girl there of my age that is not doing beauty therapy or leisure and toursim or some other such traditionally 'girly' subject that somehow seems to require that you can apply thick layers of makeup deftly. I don't criticise all of these people. For all the people in the world there seems to be a need for beauty therapists as there are for hairdressers or actors: not neccessary but pleasurable. And of course some of them are rather good at it and look rather damn good rather than that some plasterer has artexed their face.

All of this socialisation seems to have passed me by. How and when do girls suddenly aquire the interest and ability to apply makeup and dress fashionably and all that other stuff. It just seems to have escaped me. And indeed my close friends. I think that is probably why we are so comfortable in each others presence. None of us are hideous or especially poorly dressed but we are not interested or innately good at that stuff. Of course we make an effort when we should and dont want to look bad but.... well i think you understand.

I always used to assume that either you spent your time on hobbies or endless studying or your appearance. Having become older (and dare I say it wiser too!) I have realised that these things arent mutually exclusive. I think I am finally getting there though. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have since I was too young to think about it. Nay, I even feel Good about myself sometimes! Frankly. About bloody time too! I felt terrible throughout secondary school and a little before as I was aware (and objectively I know that this was true) that I was kinda podgey, i had oily pubescent skin, i had no concept of dress sense and was frankly a moody cow most of the time. How my friends put up I do not know.

Of course I know that apperances are pretty for down the list of important things in life but I did feel really self concious and embarrassed most of the time. It was only as I got my hair cut that I started to get on the up.

Holy crap I sound so shallow.

The point of this rambling anyway is to stress that it is not how you look but how you feel. The fact that I think that I look better now makes me feel better. Sure I aint no basket of fruit! But I feel confident that if I want to I can scrub up pretty good. I will never be a head turner but I dont feel that I am subordnate to eveybody or in competition with anybody because I am or feel much less er, aesthetically pleasing than eveyone else. Haha!

Well. I now feel that I seem very shallow indeed. Well. To comfort my self concious self I would like to point out that I am not obsessed with my appearance (as you may be able to see lol!). I still would say that I spend less time making myslef up thatn most people but I feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time.

Ok.

I think I have gone around in circles today! I feel quite embarrased at such a lengthy and up front rant about me and my apperance so I will go now to forget about it untill I come to read it later and cringe. Hehe.

Bye bye :)