My tat was a heated rant the other day wasnt it? I think I am a bit more calm or just plain docile today. I apologise in advance for any spelling mistakes or typoes but for some reason my comp is stuck in overwrite mode in all programs and Lord knows I ain't typing this whole dang think out again just because I missed a letter!

*sigh* I just tyed all that paragraph again cos I made a mistke. And now I see that I missed the "H" out of that. Haha. Oh well.... Now you get to see how many mistakes I make after learning fast typing from Mavis Beacon. Hehe. I feel the need to keep putting lol because I am talking to Nick at the same time as writing this on MSN. Kindof spoils the thinking out loud thing though dont you think? It is good for a functional chat with a mate when speed is the most important thing to get your ideas across but... when I have all the time I want to write something like this I like to do it "properly". Full words seem to have more character. I guess you also use a better range of words. I seem to communicate most replys with "lol", "groovy" or "cool" on MSN! Oooh that excamation mark was a mistake. It makes that sentance remind me of a text book trying to be fun but failing miserably. Hehe. I guess that sounds kindof strange to everybody but hey. Welcome to the wonderful mind of me! Damn I did it again! And again! Jeez this is turning in to Monty Python. Next paragraph Charlotte....

Christ I am really typing everything I am thinking today. I am conscious of the fact that many people may find me wierd right now. I can see that I am in one of my funny moods. Interestingly it seems to have coincided with one of my inspirated and ready to write moods. Look out. Another appalling funk pop ditty may emerge. They are fun to write but I could never ever pass one of them off without looking a complete wally. I mean. Rock I can't really do but if I tryed hard enough I think my intense thoughtfullness might come through. Pop though. Meh. I have neither the look or the presence to carry it off well.

I have begun to wonder about my presence. (Haha! No not my smell!) Sometimes I feel really powerful and solid. Unshakable, ambitious and ready for the world and anything that comes at me. But equally sometimes I feel uncomforatble and conspicuous and kind of geekishly.... I cant think of a word. But like one of the people that everyone is nice to but knows that they are a bit awkward and well.... geekish.

I know I used to feel that a lot at work. I was the quiet frekly one with the shiney nose and frekles as I seem to be the only girl there of my age that is not doing beauty therapy or leisure and toursim or some other such traditionally 'girly' subject that somehow seems to require that you can apply thick layers of makeup deftly. I don't criticise all of these people. For all the people in the world there seems to be a need for beauty therapists as there are for hairdressers or actors: not neccessary but pleasurable. And of course some of them are rather good at it and look rather damn good rather than that some plasterer has artexed their face.

All of this socialisation seems to have passed me by. How and when do girls suddenly aquire the interest and ability to apply makeup and dress fashionably and all that other stuff. It just seems to have escaped me. And indeed my close friends. I think that is probably why we are so comfortable in each others presence. None of us are hideous or especially poorly dressed but we are not interested or innately good at that stuff. Of course we make an effort when we should and dont want to look bad but.... well i think you understand.

I always used to assume that either you spent your time on hobbies or endless studying or your appearance. Having become older (and dare I say it wiser too!) I have realised that these things arent mutually exclusive. I think I am finally getting there though. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have since I was too young to think about it. Nay, I even feel Good about myself sometimes! Frankly. About bloody time too! I felt terrible throughout secondary school and a little before as I was aware (and objectively I know that this was true) that I was kinda podgey, i had oily pubescent skin, i had no concept of dress sense and was frankly a moody cow most of the time. How my friends put up I do not know.

Of course I know that apperances are pretty for down the list of important things in life but I did feel really self concious and embarrassed most of the time. It was only as I got my hair cut that I started to get on the up.

Holy crap I sound so shallow.

The point of this rambling anyway is to stress that it is not how you look but how you feel. The fact that I think that I look better now makes me feel better. Sure I aint no basket of fruit! But I feel confident that if I want to I can scrub up pretty good. I will never be a head turner but I dont feel that I am subordnate to eveybody or in competition with anybody because I am or feel much less er, aesthetically pleasing than eveyone else. Haha!

Well. I now feel that I seem very shallow indeed. Well. To comfort my self concious self I would like to point out that I am not obsessed with my appearance (as you may be able to see lol!). I still would say that I spend less time making myslef up thatn most people but I feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time.

Ok.

I think I have gone around in circles today! I feel quite embarrased at such a lengthy and up front rant about me and my apperance so I will go now to forget about it untill I come to read it later and cringe. Hehe.

Bye bye :)