Post 100!

This should be a momentous occasion but is actually an afterthought. In any case, it all started in this blog back in 2005 when I was a wee lass of just 17... Yes I know I am only 20 now, but it seems like an absolute age ago. A lot has changed since then, and I hope I have changed too. I am sure I have, but it is so had to tell when the change is gradual...

When I started this post is was partly out of the want to write something, and partly because of good old fashioned peer pressure as two of my uni friends are starting up their own (genuinely interesting and vaguely themed) blogs. Bella is already up and running, and will surely have lots to say about her year in Deutchland. I on the other hand feel woefully inadequate with my occasional posts complaining about work and babbling about things that are most likely unimportant to anyone but me....

But lets press on anyway! This was a blog set up specifically for me to waffle and vent in so I shall waffle and vent on!

I have to say when I clicked on "write new post" underneath the line saying "99 posts" I felt completely lost for what to write about. In my short ramble however, I decided that like an old sitcom with a run of 26 episodes and a budget for 25, I should go with recycling old stuff, and have a little look at what has changed since that fateful day in November 2005.

I don't know what exactly compelled me to start up this blog on that day, but I do know that I felt like I had a lot going on in my life at the time. It was that funny time during your later teenage years when you suddenly have this bombardment of both knowledge about the real world and your first real responsibilities. I felt I had a lot to talk about, what with suddenly being aware of everything from politics and the workings of society, to interacting with adults properly for the first time and having a 'real' job.

I really was quite angry about all sorts of things wasn't I? Although I do sometimes feel strongly about moral and political issues now, I do think I have mellowed in how ideological I am. Like my parents always said I would, I am now much more in the centre ground - politically wise and don't immediately jump to liberal extremes when it comes to an issue.

I guess where I stand upon issues and decisions about life and beyond has become a real theme in the past few years which have helped me to realise things about my personality. I guess the more you examine and explore yourself, the more you see through the 'hats' you put on and distinguish between your true nature and that which you present to other people for various reasons.

I guess what I have really learnt from all of the exploration of morals, opinions and questions is that it is OK not to have a strong opinion. There is no need to pick a 'side' and stick to your guns, defending your position to the end. To say that I have always felt I am rather good at empathising and seeing all sides of an argument, it took me a long time to realise this. Perhaps it is the fact that I cannot stand to be wrong that made me take so long.

Whereas before when asked a big question I would leap to the side of freedom or liberalism and argue my position until one of us was shot down in flames, I am now much happier to say "Hmm, well I am not sure its quite difficult isn't it..." I guess its kind of a way of acknowledging that it is OK to hold your hands up and say 'I don't know'.

It has been said that to know that you know nothing is the first step towards enlightenment. While I don't think I can aim quite that high yet, it is strangely satisfying to live in a world that is almost entirely gray and not criss cross with harsh and divisive black and white lines. In many ways then, I guess I am more accepting of every bodies views now and so maybe, I am a little better at empathy? We'll see I guess.

Perhaps one of the biggest U turns of opinion I have had is on that of McDonalds. What started as hatred and barely contained rage for the company and the store that I worked at has now turned into a kind of acceptance of the place that is actually now quite pleasant to work at. It certainly helps that McDonalds has really cleaned its act up - making the food healthier and better quality, stocking free range and organic dairy products, supporting local produce and even becoming one of the greener retailers out there today. Apart from that, it doesn't hurt that I work at a damn good store with staff that I actually have plenty in common with.

To be honest, I don't really have any beef with the company at all anymore, instead of a quiet sort of grudging feeling, knowing that despite all my past scorn, the company has saved my bacon on more than one occasion.

Of course one of the other big things that has changed is my career path. When I began this blog, I was going to be a journalist or die trying. Everything I did at school and many of the things I did out were all geared towards giving me the biggest boost I could manage into the journo game.

Now nearly 3 years later, after getting what I wanted - a place at Sheffield Uni on their prestigious Journo course, I realise that journalism probably isn't for me. It's not I can't do it, more that I can't do it without seeming to have to put more effort in to it than most people - not in a physical or academic way, but in a motivational way. Nearly every other journo on my course is on the student newspaper, or has got something published on a website or local paper, or has had some amazing work experience, or maybe just hates journalism and is trying to avoid all of these things at all costs. I on the other hand would like to do these things, but don't really have the motivation and confidence to just throw myself out these and do this stuff.

It's not even that I wish I could do it but can't, but I do not have any burning desire to do so. I think about all the places that are available for work experience and am not really enthusiastic about any of them.

I love the learning, the acquiring of skills and the simulated news gathering and production, but when it comes to the real deal, I just don't really feel like I have any sort of passion. It is this and the fact that I will be paid a pittance to work on the Nowheresville Weekly for a few years before I even start advancing my career that makes me think: "Well actually there are so many other things I could do..."

So that's it basically and I plumed for PR after investigating what else was open to me with my qualifications.

Challenge - Check
A different day at work every day - Check
Capacity for individual flair and input - Check
Promotion based on merit - Check
Ability to input creativity into tasks - Check
A salary that you can actually live on - Check

It is everything that journalism is, but slightly easier to get into, better paid and I actually really want to do it. Sorted then. Well until the stress of job hunting...

What else has changed then?...

Well for one thing I have tested many of my limits in these three years (and incidentally learned that all figures under 11 should be written as whole words - thanks Tony Harcup!). So many of them just basic things - How long can you get by on four hours sleep before it gets too much? How much is too much alcohol? Do you really need a sleep pattern? Can you get away with cooking a three course meal without ever having attempted the recipes before? What happens if you stand amongst the smoke of people getting stoned? Do people think you are weird if you try to start a conversation in the bus queue? Is it lonely to live on your own? How long can you stay awake? Is that thing really as unpleasant/painful as it looks?

The great thing about uni is that in a place full of people with the same questions, who like you have never had the chance to answer them before without the social constraints of family and people with expectations about your behaviour before. Uni is all learning - in the lecture theatre and out. As many students will say (although many of them for reasons involving intoxicating substances...) the actual university course is a small part of the university life. Its sort of like being on a plane for the first time: the ride is so very exciting because everything is brand new. You know you are there for a reason - you are going somewhere - but somehow, at the time, the ride becomes more important than the place you are going. And those lectures from the air hostesses are just a necessity.

That analogy sounded much better in my head, but I am sure you get the drift...

So where to from now? Well I have one more year to go at Uni before the big bad world and it looks like it is going to be an interesting one. I have to spend a lot of time getting my CV well padded out and spending a lot of time working off my own bat instead of working to millions of deadlines as I grapple with a dissertation and at least 2 other semester long assignments. With my cramming tendencies, neigh, impulses, this could be one of the greatest tests yet...

Hope that was worthy of post 100 and that it wasn't too self absorbed!

As much as I would like to continue writing, it is starting to get light. Not a good sign before you have gone to bed...

Thanks to all of those that for one reason or another have read this blog. It's a great comfort to know that you can all read this and still see me as the same person, inside and out.

Here's to the next 100!

^_^