I really, really should go to bed but writing on here is so fun!

It is 12.51am and I have to be up at 7.30am. Oh well....

I have just read my entire blog back catalogue. It took quite a while actually: about 50 mins. I have come to realise that I swear a lot as well as being scarily assertive and self derogatory at the same time.

I was right about what I said in my first post. This blog is read only by Mike Evans to my knowledge and after hinting at him to read some more I now feel terribly exposed, especially as I now think that I come across in this thing as an abusive and pretentious ...... oooh I almost put another strong word there. I don't want to cut out the swearing because this is supposed to be a place to think out loud and express myself so I can look back on it in the future, but I seem like a bad tempered ogress when I look at all the things I have put beforehand.

I just bang on about how hard done by I am and how I can do this and that.... I don't think that that is me, but if this is thinking out loud then I guess it must be me. That is a little depressing. Maybe though, because this is thinking out loud, I just tell it like it is. Everybody (definantly me!) has a variety of masks they wear for other people. Wait. That sounds like I pretend to be someone I am not..... ok call them hats then lol. They cast a shadow over our features. We tone ourselves down so as not to cause upset or offence to anybody or even just so we feel like we fit in. Well. I am not even sure if it that severe. I am me when around others and I do make a point of being as sincere as I can be all of the time. I guess most people just think things that they wouldn't say.

Take swearing for instance. I hardly ever swear in front of people. I do it with my friends if I am very upset or angry for some reason (which is very rare) or occasionally with people at work to have a joke. On here however I shoot my mouth off don't I!

I guess that with this being a diary of sorts it does mean that I am most likely to write the things that I feel most strongly about and don't really talk about. This is a kind of vent for emotion and so is bound to be more self important and full of expletives thatn I normally am.....

I hope that is true and not me just trying to convince myself.

I am tired and confused. I don't know if I am ok or a self obsessed idiot or an idiot for banging on about being self obsessed when I am not.

My brain hurts!

I think I will go to bed now....