,Ok. I can't really be bothered but I feel compelled to write some stuff I have just thought of.

I am currently listening to "ruled by secrecy" by Muse and GOD it is beautiful. Every echoing striking of the bass is giving me shivers. Oooooh here comes the descending, dissonent and sad piano solo. #Change in the aaaiiiiiirrrr and they'le hiiiiiiiiiiiide eeeeeeeeeeevrywheeeeeerrrrre no OOOOOOOONE likes whos in CONTROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#

Sorry I got a bit carried away there but it was just one of those magic moments when the song matches exactly your mood. And THAT song is calm, understated and sad yet heart wrenchingly beautiful. An overlooked gem on mine and everyone elses part of the Absolution album. Matt Bellamy's voice is nothing short of remarkable on that song. His voice is so quiet, almost to the point that it is breaking and the sound wont come out, and yet it conveys the repressed rage and sadness af the lyrics. And all of this just backed up by a bass plucked once every two bars, a simple and gentle 4 beat and drums and antagonistic arpeggios on a keyboard. Absaloute genius.

Somebody once said "The most beautiful songs are sad" and I think that is pretty true. All of the really beautiful songs that I can think of all have a minor tonality and often sad lyrics. Just take "Exit Music (for a film)" by Radiohead. The only song that has ever made me cry. It caught me unawares. I had listened to it several times and it struck as one of the saddest songs I ever heard and rather clever but not too stirring. Then one night I was in exactly the right mood and listened and felt every syllable of the words. Suddenly I was one of the tragic Romeo and Juliette characters depicted calling out in a broken voice : "I hope that you choke". It was a truly moving experience. I just let open the floodgates and cried for these two fictional characters. It was a very odd experience and one that frankly, I don't think I want to experience again with such a bleak and terribly sad song.

I have done it again.It tis 12:45 am and I am listening to a playlist called "beautiful" which translates as sad and melancholy. I know I really need to listen to something with more kick in it but I don't think I would be able to get in to it now as the mood of this music is infectious.

Oh my god I am so sad and I don't know why. It is not a faint dissatisfaction that I normally have when sad but something worse. Its like a feeling of dissapointment mixed with a wierd feeling of innadiquacy that I have had since this morning or before. I empty and I want to cry for no particular reason. Maybe its this sad music, maybe I am just tired, maybe its because I have worked 3 days at mcdonalds and we all know that that place can send me wappy after a while. I don't know. I have been a little dissapointed and dissafected recently for no real reason. Maybe it is my subconcious remembering all of the sad things..... Oh damn it, "Exit music" has just come on and I just know I am in the mood to cry again. I will carry on anyway.

Where was I? Oh yes, maybe it is just my subconcious remebering the sad things yet to come: the moving away from my incredibly close friends that I have never been away from for more than a few weeks before, the fear of moving away on my own, the fear of whether journalism is the right course for me, the dissatisfaction of not yet finding a single person that really feel for that feels for me too so I can have a relationship, the puzzle and apprehension of trying to fit in with people that are very likely to like going out and getting bladdered when I barely drink, the dread of somehow pulling english coursework out of nowhere, the effort of getting a media coursework out, the fear that my grades are going to go down cos A levels are so fucking hard and I will feel like I have really not done enough and regret it for the rest of my life, the fear of money trouble and the nitty gritty of sorting out living space etc at uni..... I am sure there is more. I guess there are just loads of small things that are floating around in my head somewhere - I don't really think about them much if at all but I guess all this shit is bound to have an affect on me.

You know what. I need to get some stuff out of my system. Here goes some heavy shit.

I need to decide on some real big mental decisions, to decide what I want and what is best for me. All of this is mostly to do with one thing. Whenever I have feelings for somebody (which incidentally is almost always extremely inapropriate or unrealistic) I allow myself to put them on a pedestal and simply allow it to become an enourmous crush (or as I have explained in my writing stuff something even more). I then hype myelf up so much that it is like I am stood next to the Pope or a movie star or something when they are in the room. I am like "My god its really them! Think about what you are doing!" Now the real problem lies in the fact that pining after unobtainable, unrealistic and downright innapropriate people takes over. I spend all of my time thinking about these untouchable people that nothing real will ever become of. Of course everybody has a flight of fancy but these spats of worship are stopping me from turning my attention to people that I actually know properly and could have a relationship with.

So here is the decision: Either carry on and hope that one of these pedastalled people ends up happening to be somebody that I actually know and could realistically have a relationship with but face the problem that very few real people catch my attention or, stop and diminish the joy in my life. You may find this wierd but I like nothing more than thinking how great and amazing somebody is. Hell I gush about bands that I like, can you imagine what I am like with people I really fancy? Plus this has been the way of things for such a long time that I dont know if it has become like a part of my personality, a defining feature that I can't just cut out.

Actually I do know. A few years back I did just that and cut out all the irrational crushes I had. I made a mental block and stopped any of the thoughts that I could. It coincided with my really depressed and moody phase which could just be a coincidence of teenage hormones but I am not so sure. It would suggest that I need some kind of escapism every now and again.

I don't know what to do. I do know however that that was more than a bit exposing and I sincerely hope that very few people cast their eyes on it. I know I also may have come across as a strange obsessive manic who mind blocks stuff but, well, I needed to get that stuff out so I don't care.

I am sorry this has been such a depressing read so far but I just needed a vent. And that is just exactly what I want this blog to be. A vent.

Ok. Well. On to more upbeat stuff...

I walked in to work 2 days ago to be asked if I would sty on a few extra hours. I was like: "er, um, i don't know I am very tired. I think I will have to give it a miss". Then the great laugh that is Becky said: "Ooooh, shall we bribe her?...... Lottie. You have crew member of the month!" At this moment I was rather surprised "Oh, right, wow" I was mumbling whilst trying not to let a massive smile beam across my face. I am such a hypocrite! I go on about how McDonalds is so crap and how I hate it and how it is all meaningless and then when they give me an award I get all smiley and dare I say it.... even proud? *shudder* In the end I declined staying on but felt quite good.

Then I went to work this morning and Becky was like: "Oh by the way you have won employee of the quarter" This time my reaction was a little less gracious: "Really? Why?" "Er,You just did" "Wow, thanks". Hehe. I tried so hard not to smile but failed. I got all sorts of questions asked about my hobbies and stuff. Then I fathomed by what Becky was saying that she had entered me for "Employee of the month for the North East of England". I was like "woah there!". I still hadn't the faintest why I had got any of these accolaides. I read the write up and it was basically because I am "always calm and hard to wind up!". Which is kind of cool I think.

I still can't get over the fact that I technically should have been sacked 7 times, have openly told people that I hate the company and am frequently 10-20mins late for my shifts yet they choose to send me to an interview with Big Sam. A scary person indeed. The manager of a big group of restaurants. It is hard to explain why that is a big deal. Its kind of like sending a church goer to see a cardinal in the vatican: one down from the big cheese. I am a little afraid now. Oh well. A cool experience.

Right then. I think I will go to bed now or do some more writing stuff blog.

I know this has been a depressing and then self congratulary entry but frankly I am too tired to care right now. Byeee :)