I don't know why I have decided to write a blog write now. I don't really have anything to say and am tired. I went to bed at abou 11.30 last night, woke up at 6.20 and am still here at 1.35

Why do I do this? What is the meaning of me staying up till this unearthly hour most nights? I just make myself tired and lose my train of thought about what I will think about when going to sleep.

I guess I am quite scared about my exams starting this week. Having come from the school of winging it ever since I began exams, I find it almost impossible to sit down and concentrate on revising. I really tried last time around and revised sociology properly and politics half decently but then just gave up on it. I guess Enlgish and Media are things you don't have to revise too hard for though...

Its just that as well as not revising at all yet, I have also not had any proper lessons since about December the 20th. I have done little to no school work since then and am starting to get rather fucking nervous if I am frank.

Its just so hard. You go to school all day and then you will come home and have a keyboard lesson or go to Alive TV or go to work. Then you think, I will do it later when I am not tired.... but that never comes because something always comes up. So I end up doing everything last minute and bodging everything. Thank goodness for inherited intelligence. If my parents werent clever I would be screwed!

At least I have experience on my side for resits. I may have forgotten stuff but do now have a much better writing technique than I did this time last year. I also have more background knowledge so maybe it will be ok.

I am not worreid about my English Paper 5. That is bascally a paper designed for wingers laike me. Make it up on the sopt. Great! I really hope I can pass that first time! Sociology will be fine as well I think. I will revise properly for that one... Hey. You know, I don't have any A2 media or politics exams (I just had to check though!) How bad is that? 2 days before exams start and I don't even know what I am taking? And actually, when do I go back? I really don't know! This is so crazy....

Well my last exam is on the 20th. That is 2 school weeks away. Is that enough time for all resits and modules to be taken? lets see.... 2 x 5 x 2 = 20 different exams not including all of the ones that are taken together. Hmm I am not sure then. I hope my last leaves me a few days. I think study leave, I think holiday!

Hey! That is so shite! I have got my 1 1/2 hour english exam after a 1 hour politics. My brain will be frien by then! This does not look good if I want to bump up my grade... I wll just drink coffee or something... At least I am not the poor lass who has to have overnight supervision. I thinks she has to stay at a teachers house. Frankly I am amazed that sort of thing is allowed these days. Teachers get nervous when you are alone in a cupboard with them in case somebody gets the wrong idea.

Well, I guess things are not so bad. The resits are the ones I am worried about and even if I fail them I still have AACC to bulid on. The other two dont seem too bad. I think I will be fine. As I have said before, something always turns up to save my bacon :) I am not complacent, I am well aware that things could go very wrong. Nevertheless, I do seem to have a lot of luck. I like to think of it as good karma. Maybe smiley me at work pays off!

Speaking of work, things are getting a bit wierd there. I am almost looking forward to going to the work these days! I don't mind going at all. It helps when the days are like it was today. It was soooo quiet. I have ever seen it so quiet! I took about £370 on my till all day. It is usually about £1000 on a sunday.

The odd art though is the fact that suddenly everybody is like "oh you are really good at your job!" and it has all come from nowhere! When I started I was shite. REally bad. The other people that started with me were way ahead of me so it seemed. I was always getting stuff wrong. Admittedly I am now much better but I wouldnt put myself above anybody else that I work with. Amy who started about 3 months ago is as good I think. But suddenly the managers are like: "yeah you can have some stars for your badge", "you have got 100% on your OCR", "want to be a staff trainer?", "you would make a good floor manager". All from nowhere and I don't understand how I am better than I was before.

I keep telling them "I don't think I am any better than anyone else? What makes you think I am good?" and they don't really have an answer. I am sure it has all come from that employee of the month/quarter thing which in itself was also a bit wierd.

I read my thing on the wall and half of it was kindof generic and vague: "initiative, hard work" the kind of things that would apply to most people and the rest was a fabrication lol! "No sick days" indeed! I have had 3! Its just that "Mr Bobbins" Dominic Robins doesnt record them haha!

I don't know. Again I swear it is all luck and genes. Although everybody says "oh your being modest" I honestly don't work any harder than anybody else. I probably work less! Just look at these exams. I have done zip revision. I will do a bit of cramming. Rebecca and Kat will do it fairly late but do it properly and get the same or just below what I do. I don't get it..... they are the same intelligence as me. Maybe it is just that my hobbies train up my brain for this sort of thing. Computer games - repetative tasks, reactions, processing information, multitasking and playing music - muscle memory, multitasking, speed reading, applying knowledge, coordination, number processing.... I am sure that these things must do it. What else can it be?

Ah well. I will nor complain. Or try and fight it. I already tried explaining to teachers at HH that I don't HAVE to try hard, thats why I dont deserve atop effort mark. Only Mr Sargeant seemed to get this and gave me a good rather than excellent. Surle excellent means you put in top effort and max it out. I did not do that lol! Apart from in PE where I knew I was crap and so did everyone else. I used to force myself to run around that 400m track even though I have the cardiovascular fitness of a sloth. The others just walked even though they were abut twice as fit as me and they used to get away with it damnit! PE teachers in my experience tend to love the ones good at sport and just get the others by until they can ditch them.

Sometimes I just wanted to scream at Mrs Morrit "I AM bloody trying woman! I am just crap ok?! Do you mind?!" when she would bitch at me for being slow.But instead I would just keep it inside until I could find a suitable vent to air my frustrations later.

Don't you find PE teachers scarliy enthusiastic about sport too? I suppose that maybe it is just because I am a music person and not a sports person. But music is a window to the soul. It is a never ending pot of possibility and innovation. It is art in audible form. The majority of sport is the pointless and irritating display of who is the biggest, fastest, strongest. Who bloody cares? You ever heard of the taking part that counts? Apparently not. ("Your not trying Charlotte!")

Music on the other hand is just a way of expression. The poorest music may not be pleasurable to listen to, but is still a fascinating and valid form of expression. What do you have if you are a rounders player that cant hit a ball? You have a plank of wood in your hand and a sense of embarrasment.

No contest for me. Sport is great if you are good at it. For the rest of us it (or at least me) it is largely an elaborate way of showing off and being self congratulatory.

There are of course some sports that I enjoy. Things like gymnastics, skate boarding, diving and snowboarding are great beacuse they involve creativity and a mind boggling degree of skill. I do find things like the 100m entertaining when it is the olympics because it is fascinating to see a human be the fastest in the world. The rest of the time however they are just frighteningly competetive people that are fortunate enought to have the right biology and spend their whole time essentially going up and down a piece of concrete.

OK. I am going to have to stop this sports rant now as I feel that I could annoy even more people than I already have with my antismoking stuff.

Byeee :)